My Mommy Is...

Where has the time gone?

2010-10-07T15:01:00.000-06:00

My Baby is Three Months Old!!!

2010-09-30T18:28:00.002-06:00

After two years, three miscarriages, 40 weeks and 5 days we were blessed with our "miracle" - Maylah Grace was born on June 28, 2010. She just turned three months old and we can hardly believe it. I am on maternity leave now.

Now in Week 38!

2010-06-04T19:39:00.002-06:00

I am due June 23rd. I always envisioned this baby being early and fast, now that I am 37 weeks I cannot stop wondering when and how will her birth transpire!?

We have been struggling with B2 and his rough adjustment to life in a bunk bed with his big brother. Everything seems fine until once, twice, three times (and more - 6 times between 1 and 6 one night!) he gets out of bed. He is CRANKY! He complains about his tummy hurting and insists he cannot sleep. Wants me and wants his OWN WAY!! This is not easy to handle at the best of times, never mind being in the last weeks of pregnancy!

Hopefully this will work itself out soon. Or, perhaps this little one will be such a great sleeper that I will actually start sleeping through the night soon. Ha!!

Can I start counting in days yet?

2010-05-17T17:03:00.002-06:00

Five weeks to go! I am literally a house - well, at least a mid-sized trailer. With a due date of June 23rd I am growing weary at people asking - "any day now?"

When can I start counting in days? I say now.

37 days

(... and counting!)

Love Me

2010-04-15T15:21:00.002-06:00

Love Me by JJ Heller - check out this amazing song. One of my students wrote about it on her exam. Powerful stuff! You can also see this LINK TO LYRICS for the words.

Being Mother/Being Academic

2010-04-09T14:38:00.002-06:00

I am struggling with writing this paper. It is not that I have nothing to say about being an academic or about being a mother! Rather, I find myself unwilling to commit even in draft form to my take on it as I feel I am currently occupying the / space between - neither wholly doing motherhood, nor my academic position the best (or even close to) that I can. Perhaps this has something to do with being in the third trimester and wondering what it will be like to have another baby in our house, or maybe it has more to do with the end of term and the exhaustion that comes with it. Regardless, I find myself having so much difficulty just 'doing' what it is that makes me both - being with my kids, being with my students/colleagues; playing and having fun, writing and teaching etc.

In theory it seems so much easier to find a balance between these roles than it is in practice. I am so drawn back home when I am at work, yet wonder whether a part of me will be missing when I am only at home. At the same time, I find my thoughts drift to things at work I have not done when I should be simply enjoying time with my kids. Is this uncertainty that I am doing the right thing the consistency that I can expect as I try to negotiate being both a mother and an academic AT THE SAME TIME?!

A balance? I think not!

Waving Flag

2010-03-19T17:33:00.002-06:00

Have you heard this powerful song recorded by Canadian musicians yet? How about checking out the video?!

See Young Artists for Haiti.

Making Meaningful Change

2010-03-16T09:19:00.004-06:00

As I am approaching a maternity leave, I find myself reflecting on what I've done, what I am doing, and where I want to go - in my career, as a mother, and in my life more broadly. Here are a few 'lessons' I want to bring closer to my heart.

Stop in the pursuit of happiness and just be happy
Dwell in possibility
Use kind words
Inspire kind action
Love what you have
Be grateful every day
Don’t compare yourself to others, but be inspired by them
Accept criticism with grace, but ignore the naysayers
See opportunities in disappointments, problems and setbacks
Surround yourself with positive people; making meaningful relationships
Complain less, smile more.
(some of these ideas are from Leo Babauta at Zen Habits.

(Extra)Ordinary

2010-03-15T12:45:00.004-06:00

I have been reading two different books lately that have piqued my intellectual and emotional curiosity. First, The Self Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance, by Polly Young-Eisendrath. Second, The Leader Who Had No Title: A Modern Fable on Real Success in Business and in Life, by Robin Sharma. I have found it hard to put either one of them down, but somehow I have because I am not quite finished either of them! While there are definite connections and parallels - each begins with a very different premise. The former - we are ordinary; the second - be extraordinary!

Today, I listened to a video by Sharma that encouraged 5 principles, that I would welcome comment. check out link here I am intrigued about how they relate to my mothering and other goals/aspirations. These are:

1)Be an Extraordinary Leader
2)Be an Extraordinary Connector (with people)
3)Be an Extraordinary Performer
4)Be an Extraordinary Person
5)Be an Extraordinary Contributor

More to come...

Mother Academic - first installment "Mother?"

2010-03-08T12:42:00.013-07:00

Being a mother academic implies merging two (separate?) identities and social positions - mother and academic. Perhaps in considering what it means to be a mother academic and how one may inform the other I'd best begin with considering the meaning I give to each as separate entities - even if on a day-to-day basis they merge and conflict, and are experienced both at the same time.

Mother. I've been on this quest to find out how other mothers make sense of their maternal identity, but haven't given myself the indulgence (or requirement) to unpack the meaning of mother for myself. It became very clear to me how important this is in very practical terms, when I asked myself a really tough question this morning. I had some frustration lately when it comes to the role I play in my oldest son's life. Specifically, I want to help him "be the best he can be." I wonder, though, WHAT am I doing toward this end? This bring me to the larger question at hand - what does it mean for me to be his mother?

Above all else? It is love. It's inspiration, adoration and hope. When I think about our bond I really feel connected to, a key part of and integral to another's life journey. This is empowering. Expressions of my love (I hope) can be found in the encouragement, nourishment and enrichment I strive to provide in each of his days. What we together do so well is hugs and kisses, a special smile, manners and courtesies. Where I think I fall short is in the practical specifics: 1) what to say and do when it appears he isn't trying his best at hockey; 2) how to respond when he seems disinterested in doing more than a minimum required with home reading; 3) how to engage him and ignite a spark in him - a passion that he intrinsically wants to pursue.

This child has always seemed to be "into" something. First it was all about construction and building things (ala Bob the Builder), then it was climate and everything weather related (i.e. Tornados and hurricanes), after that came dinosaurs and an interest in paleontology. Somewhere along the way he seemed to stop asking so many questions - why?

What role do I play in all this? Looking back, we got him the construction stuff, we read him stories about climate change and weather patterns, we visited museums etc. Now, I guess I am having so much trouble putting my finger on what is driving him - exciting him and making him wonder. This from a kid who several people have commented on is so curious, inquisitive and articulate? Is it me that he just can't articulate it to?

If he says, "I love hockey," as his Mom should I just believe him at his word. I find this so hard to do when I see an attitude of nonchalance, an almost indifference that would seem (at least from his effort) that he could take it or leave it. Then, he goes and selects Hockey for his grade one 'passion project'?!!

I guess what I am observing is a lack of willingness to push himself outside of his comfort zone. He's good, fine, getting by. But, the next level would require the kind of effort and engagement that I think he might be scared of. I don't think it's a fear of failure because so far the stakes are pretty low (e.g. at school it doesn't matter that he's reading at an L level, B or C would be acceptable; or, at hockey they don't keep score and everyone gets a trophy or medal just for showing up). So, if it's not that he could fail, perhaps it has something to do with a lack of incentive. He's likely too young to accept that hard work is good for hard work's sake, a value or attribute to honour. Rather, he isn't "jacked" enough to want to try any harder than he has to. Sure, a goal is nice - but if I can get one waiting for the puck to be open and pop it in just outside the net, then, why should I try to take it from the other team and skate hard down the ice and risk wasting all that effort and it might not go in? Again, I ask... where do I fit in this?

As encourager, perhaps I am encouraging this almost indifferent attitude. Perhaps I need to re-consider myself in different terms. I aspire to inspire my students (I guess I am already getting into the academic part), and in theory want to inspire my children. Perhaps, though, especially when they are this young I need to be more direct, planned and explicit about what I want to inspire - hard work, caring about his role in the team or class, giving everything he has, holding nothing back. Does he really know what any of these things mean?

Do I need to take on more of a coaching role here? If I was to envision how mother as coach could look like, what would that mean? Obviously, there is instruction there, leading by example etc. But, this doesn't resonate with me. Coaching is often situated within the context of organized and team sports. This is not something that I have a lot of experience in. Sure, I played volleyball in high school and softball during childhood, but I have no fond (and very few for that matter) coaching memories. The only coaches I actually remember were the ones I had when I participated in competitive gymnastics (grades 6 through 10). I do remember their names, Ron and Tara. This will require a little departure down memory lane... Out of 4-5 groups the elite of our club, those selected to be in Ron's group, considered (and considered themselves) number one. Tara's Group (as we were called) came second. I recall that Ron was abrasive, pushy and very intense. If he was leading our warm up and caught any of us girls talking the punishment was "more conditioning drills" (repetitive stop and starts like running then push ups, or hanging from a bar and pulling our legs to our head as many times as we could). Tara's style was a little more personable, she'd talk to us and encourage us with "you can do it" often. Yet, I don't remember really looking up to them as role models, as people I wanted to emulate. I didn't aspire to be like them.

I do have mentors, though. There have been women and men in my life who have inspired me. What do they have in common? They have loved and supported me, but also challenged me to get outside of my comfort zone. They have been individuals who saw something in me before I saw it in myself. I think I am starting to have more clarity when it comes to B1 now. Perhaps I am trying to get him to see something in himself that he just can't see. Maybe I am going about this all wrong. Rather than ask him or wait for him to tell me, "I am passionate about X. I want to try to get better at Y", I need to be the one looking more closely at who he is right now and what he's expressing. Then I can provide him with a safe space to explore these aspects of himself. Rather than pushing something from outside I need to be listening more closely and observing with a keen eye to what is making him smile, ask questions, and want to learn more about.

So, what is being a mother? It is being creative and versatile. Re-inventing your approach and your goals if they are not suiting the situation any longer. Mothering is a process; work-in-progress, never-ending, full-time position/identity.

..... To be Continued...

Association for Research on Mothering

2010-03-05T13:44:00.003-07:00

As a mother and a maternal scholar, I am writing to express my concern over the decision York University has recently made to close down what can arguably be considered "the most prolific, wide-reaching, international community building organization in the area of mothering worldwide," the Association for Research on Mothering (ARM)

The work of ARM is vibrant, woman-centred, widely respected, and absolutely essential, especially now as mothers and children continue to face challenges related to state dependency, neo-liberal discourses and regulatory strategies, economic and cultural marginalization. The academic and community profile of ARM is incomparable. The opportunities it provides to maternal scholars and mothers cannot be understood simply through the tangibles (journal, publishing, conferences etc.) but through the work ARM does in advocating for mothers' rights, value and the meaningful contribution mothers make to society.

York now has an opportunity to recognize not only the value of maternal scholarship, but the worth of mothers by reversing its decision to close ARM. What's more, by offering instead sustainable funding to support this much needed organization York can restore goodwill with the members of ARM and the community. ARM has received an outpouring of support, including a letter writing and media campaign to save it! With its many accomplishments and stellar record, I do still see a future. There is so much at stake here losing such an important association.

On behalf of the mothers I have interviewed over the past year who insist we must do more to support mothers and children in this country, I most emphatically support the re-opening of ARM!

With Nana (Boys' Maternal Great-Grandmother)

2010-02-25T08:30:00.003-07:00

Post 125- B1 On Hockey

2010-02-22T12:23:00.006-07:00

After a couple weeks of lackluster game "performance" B1 has a great hockey game. Now by performance I don't mean an evaluation of his skills, the number of goals and whether he performed at an elite level. Rather, I mean the difference between showing you want to be there, are having fun and giving it your effort versus just showing up or "mailing it in."

We struggled a bit with trying to find ways to get his inner desire active enough that he'd want to try harder - not so he would score more goals (He's at 26, and they're 6, really?!), but so he would take more of it in and really "be" involved. I think whatever combination of parental pressure, calm coaching, words of wisdom, incentives and idle threats his parents came up with actually had less of an impact, than a simple question we posed in a non-hockey related discussion:

"What are you into lately?" "What do you want to learn more about?"

He replied: HOCKEY. Who knew?

I think he wasn't showing the interest in the game that WE expected. This, by our own definitions (e.g. wanting to watch NHL games, asking to play downstairs or be taken to practice at the rink) NOT HIS!

This past week he selected a Sidney Crosby book from the library and told us he wants to do his grade one class presentation on Hockey. He came off the ice yesterday with the biggest smile ever.

Who knew it was actually my time to learn something, not be teaching it!

Responsibility

2010-02-09T20:56:00.002-07:00

I struggle with doing too much and not doing enough.
Trying too hard and not trying hard enough.

How much responsibility and accountability for matters affecting him can we realistically expect our 6 1/2 year old to take?

Cute little boy moment

2010-01-28T19:46:00.002-07:00

B2 says to me after I came home from work today, "Who's the best Mom I ever saw?"

I reply: "Who?"

"You, Mom!"

Thanks!

He says, "For real!"

... Making Pizza and Other Things "P"

2010-01-27T20:50:00.006-07:00

Tonight the boys and I made our own pizza. It was really good - not delicious by any means, but it was a great meal. It was so awesome to see them get their hands in the dough and watch the oven with the light on as we waited for our masterpiece to be complete.

"Look at the cheese boiling," B1 exclaimed!

"When is it gonna be ready, Mom?" immediately replied B2.

We sat together and enjoyed a couple slices each, followed by some pumpkin pie.

The letter of the week is "P" - so our pineapple pizza and pumpkin pie were both instructive and good to eat!

... on a less humorous side (or perhaps more, depending on the reader!) I have overhead much talk between my 4 and 6 year old boys about (dare I even say it...) WAIT FOR IT - the penis. Probably only coincidental it seems to be getting to me during "P" week!

Any moms of boys know of which I speak? I try to say nothing, but find myself trying to determine the perfect response of nonchalantly drawing attention to the fact I am not amused by their genital discourse and would much prefer bath time and bed time to be of others things "p," not pee related!

How do you know if you are listening to your heart?

2010-01-20T18:56:00.003-07:00

Doesn't DOAD make it seem so obvious!

I wonder - how do I really know if I am listening to my heart? If I keep questioning if the way I have structured my life (with respect to home, family, work) is the most appropriate, beneficial, promising and significant it could be - is it?

What if?
Is this human nature? Is this one of the costs of motherhood?
Will I keep questioning even if I made different decisions, turn a different direction or veer off the current course.

I'd love to hear from other moms, especially moms who have been presented with the challenge of combining career and motherhood, particularly with babies, who can help me to make sense of this process whereby we choose how to negotiate care-giving responsibilities and career aspiration and/or financial needs.

As I contemplate how my "maternity leave" could play out next year, I desperately want to "listen to my heart," not simply make the most rational, prudent decision. The trouble is knowing or hearing what it is saying!

I checked my email after making this post and found a very applicable note from Zen Habits Take a look - perhaps there are some answers for me here.

Cute pics from the last month

2010-01-10T10:39:00.012-07:00

Here's B1 heading for the T-Chair... "on my own, Mom!"

Here's B2 and B1 after a couple hours of snowshoeing!

Gotta love the ski goggles!! (B2)

Mommy in the Middle!

Happy New Year!... and...

2010-01-05T17:24:00.007-07:00

Life is slowly getting back to normal around here after a very relaxing and enjoyable holiday. After our few days away skiing we stayed close to home - playing games, reading, sledding and just being together. It was really special.

B2 was in rare form on Christmas Eve, asking: "Was Santa ever a baby?"
I promptly replied: "Yes, of course."

His response? "Well, then, who delivered the presents?"

First thing out of my mind was Santa's Dad!

That seemed to satisfy him.

We actually quite enjoyed that our boys had such imagination and fascination with all the myths of the season, I think because we were realizing just how big they are now (at 6 and 4). Ready for another one!!

We are expecting and thrilled beyond belief. For those who have been following my ongoing saga toward having baby #3, you can appreciate just what a gift this baby is.

I am in my 16th week, due in June!

Took somewhat of a hiatus from the Mothering Contexts Study, as I focused on the anticipation of having a baby. The best way I can put it is: Until I had my ultrasounds, could actually see and hear the baby I didn't believe I was having a baby. I knew I was pregnant, but that hadn't meant I was having a baby before. It feels so good that I could actually BE pregnant again!

Share your stories here!

Holiday Fun

2009-12-22T19:35:00.006-07:00

Our family took a few days away in Fairmont, BC and enjoyed relaxation, skiing, hot springs, and more fun! Here are some pictures of my wonderful boys.

We are now at 175 surveys from the Mothering Contexts Study completed! Thanks again to all you moms who have participated. If you haven't already done so, please let your mom friends and family know about it.

It's Winter in Canada!

2009-12-03T16:08:00.003-07:00

Snow has fallen.
It's December.
Wintertime is here again.

I've been really busy playing Mom Extraordinaire while DOAD has been out of the country. I am so looking forward to having him return tomorrow.

The cutest moment the other day...

B2 says to me, "Mom, that remembers me... I had fruit punch at Cameron's."

Ah...

Mothering Presentation

2009-11-22T19:54:00.003-07:00

I wanted to report that my presentation on mothering Friday was a huge success. It was extremely well attended and I received tremendous feedback. Thank you to all those who came to support me - family, friends, colleagues and folks interested in this important area of study. I heard from many women touched by the experience, which makes doing this so worthwhile!

I also now have 171 surveys completed for the Mothering Contexts Study!

One of the main themes I discussed was confluence - the (albeit temporary, real or imagined) state of having fluidity across a mother's life where limited contradictions, conflict or challenge occur. For me, Friday was the epitome of confluence.

Here's what my day looked like.

Around 7:30 am woke up to kisses and hugs from B2 (no alarm ringing at 5:50 am)
Lounged downstairs for breakfast...
B1 was stayed home from school in the morning, as he wasn't feeling great.
The boys and I sat cuddled up on the coach together watching "Man vs. Wild" (adventure series).
I made French Toast with peaches for lunch (an old favourite my Mom used to make).
B2 asked for three helpings of "those orange things."
Got boys going and headed out
Dropped B2 at pre-school.
Carried on with B1 to his school.
Was welcomed and invited in to speak with the grade one class about National Child Day, children's rights and peace.
Told the class that while I usually teach adults, sometimes I have to teach them the same thing we'll be discussing today - how important it is to be kind and respect everyone's rights.
Read a lovely story called "When I Grow Up I will Win the Nobel Peace Prize."
Danced around the classroom with a bunch of six year olds - what fun!
Came back to the reading area for another short story about a homeless boy from Brazil who gave the shirt off his back to a Canadian after they played soccer with a plastic drink bottle, demonstrating the significant of sharing what we have with others.
Off to work
Got to my office to find DOAD waiting there.
Presentation at 3:00 pm.
Had the opportunity to speak about my mothering project to a large group of colleagues, students, staff, community members and friends.
The talk went great.
Lots of emotional comments and powerful stuff!
One of the best parts was my kids entering the room during the question period - with my youngest wearing a shirt I made that said "all children matter" and my oldest decked out in a T with a peace sign.
Once everything was done and people had left the room my friend offered to take the boys home.
DOAD and I got to enjoy an unexpected evening out for dinner. It was wonderful!
By the time we got home it was later than usual for baths etc. but I let the boys play longer and I chatted about the day with my friend, making the comment that today was a rare and wonderful time when being a professor and being a mom actually worked so well together.
Finally home and even though it would have been easier to tuck the boys away in bed without our usual routine, I am so glad it didn't forgo it.
Had an amazing bed time talk with B1 and got the best snuggles from B2.
It was a great, great day!

Mothering (In) Context

2009-11-19T21:28:00.005-07:00

I am so thrilled to be able to announce my first presentation on the Mothering Contexts Study will be tomorrow! I will explore the following questions:

Does motherhood define how mothers view themselves?

Does mothering frame other areas of mothers’ lives?

What is the relationship between the spheres, roles, and activities women encounter outside of motherhood and both their maternal practices and maternal identities?

I discuss how mothering is both a frame and a window. Mothers' experiences of being a mom take place in particular social contexts and mothering itself is contextual. In this way, I explore how mothering frames women's lives. Women make their own interpretations of the places and spaces through which they mother, and therefore rather than simply a frame that limits and puts borders on women's experiences, a mothering context is also a window, viewed differently by different mothers. More on all this to come!!

This is the first opportunity I have had to formally share my early findings in an academic and public forum. It is very exciting. I will post more later on how the talk was received.

Thanks to all who have participated - 163 participants were included in my analysis (166 to date). I appreciate you entrusting me with sharing your voice.

Being sick when you're a Mom is the worst!

2009-11-06T16:55:00.003-07:00

I have been ill for the last week. My kids have it too. It has been just horrible and disgusting. I will spare further details. I'd like to send out the largest of kuddos to any mom who manages to take care of her kids while she too is ill. I could barely do it this week. Lucky DOAD was able to work at home most days and be here for meals and other support. I just can't wait to feel great again!!

Work has piled up, given that I was off all week! I guess I just have to take the advice of B1's first grade teacher: "In Room 6 we go with the flow!"

Gotta just deal with being behind and figure out how to move on from here.

B2s new favourite: retro teletoon - spiderman!
B1 quote of the day: "I miss my teacher" (after missing two days of school)

Happy Birthday to My "Big" 4 Year Old Boy

2009-10-31T12:09:00.008-06:00

B2 has always danced to his own beat - a rhythm all his own.
He came into the world so quickly just four short years ago.
He stole our hearts from the first moment.
He has such zest, intensity, energy and enthusiasm for life.
He brings us so much joy, so much love, so many laughs, and so much interrupted sleep, which has all been totally worth it.

He is my running contradiction. He has no fear, but gets shy around new people. He kisses and hugs so gently, but can also squeeze so tight it hurts! He looks up to his big brother, but insists he is 'big' and a 'brother' therefore a big brother. He likes to go out and play - adventuring in his world, but loves to home home, safe and secure. He wants to be independent, but won't let me go.

It is so hard to believe that my youngest child is now four years old. He is no longer the little (or not so little!) baby he once was. He has blossomed into a kid who loves life. He is a real joy to be around.

His smile is beyond words!

Tomorrow B2 Turns 4!

2009-10-28T12:09:00.002-06:00

UN Day 2009

2009-10-23T17:54:00.002-06:00

Today I took my children to my workplace and they participated in a UN Day Celebration. They got to hear about peace initiatives, Canada's role here and abroad, and the importance of civil society in bringing about social justice. My sons got to light a candle to represent the UN's Millennium Goals, which was so adorable. Another highlight was watching doves (homing doves) be released to symbolize peace and freedom. (I think they also really enjoyed the cake!)

Thanks dudes!

It was also really cute former students came up to me and asked, "Were your kids here today?" I could proudly state yes, knowing they recalled the pictures I had shown in lectures. Obviously they made an impression!

Thanksgiving Post:

2009-10-12T20:21:00.002-06:00

We sat at the Thanksgiving table yesterday as the feast got cold, but our hearts were warm. B1 proceeds...
"I am thankful for My Mom.
I am thankful for My Dad.
I am thankful for My Brother.
I am thankful for all my Family.
I am thankful for My Home.
I am thankful for My Bed.
I am thankful for My School.
I am thankful for the Earth.
(Pause)
I am thankful for Love."

He's 6!

How Moms Support Other Moms...

2009-10-09T15:25:00.009-06:00

Moms Support Other Moms By...

1. Run together - I find just having a friend who shares my passion for running and mothering makes both more enjoyable.
2. Cry together - Sometimes I need another Mom to empathize when DOAD gets "it," but the it is a little different from a mother's vantage point.
3. Venting
4. Listening
5. Not judging
6. Laughing

On the laughing note, my own Mom is in town visiting this weekend. She and my Dad have spent the day with B2. B2 wants a new winter coat (even though last year's still fits him, he says, "I'm bigger now!" And, he wants a blue one). I planted the seed about him inheriting his big brother's used winter jacket with both of them earlier today. My Mom attempted to promote said hand-me-downs to B2 with "Look at that awesome blue coat." B2 says, "that's not blue, it's black." Back and forth for a moment with, "Sure, it's blue," "No, it's black" and then my son responds rather condescendingly to my Mom:
"I'm not going to argue with you!" This, from a 3 (soon to be 4) year old!

Tell me more about how you get support in your mothering from others moms through the Mothering Contexts Study.

"You are my best friend"

2009-10-02T18:49:00.004-06:00

B2 has taken to letting me know that I am his "best friend!" It is so adorable. He usually says it when we are cuddling before bed. Other times we are driving and his little voice sweetly says, "Mom, you are my BEST friend." It makes me melt. So today, looking for a little affection I said, "Who's your best friend?"

He replied without pause,

"Makayla."

(I shouldn't have asked!)

Please check out the Mothering Contexts Study.

My To Do List

2009-10-01T21:29:00.003-06:00

With so much going on from all sides - work (teaching, administrative, research, committees, media, etc.) and family (school, hockey, husband time, kid's birthday parties, hockey!, pre-school etc. etc.) and attempting to get in "me" time (running, ah.... maybe some yoga, book club... what else?) I feel like there is so much on my to do list.

Is it possible to mother in a way that takes serious the advice to: "Make every task that goes on your list past a test: is it truly necessary? Will I have felt great about doing it, when I’m done?" (from Zen Habits)

What about all the STUFF that ends up getting on my plate outside the 'to do'?

150 Surveys Completed

2009-09-23T20:57:00.004-06:00

(this photo is courtesy of B1, my budding 'wildlife' photographer!... this was taken at an event called Yoga in the Park and he had grown tired of yoga poses!)

Thank you
Thanks
Thanks so much
No really - THANKS A LOT!

to all the mothers who have participated in the Mothering Contexts Study. I have reached my interim goal of 150 surveys. At this point I am ready to start reading each woman's responses more systematically and analyzing! This is really very exciting for me. The project began less than 5 short months ago. I was initially looking for 300 in one year, but the response has been overwhelming. Please continue to pass along the link so other moms you know may be included here.

There are 12 additional participants who have saved a survey. At your convenience I would really appreciate you completing it so that your experiences can be included in this research project.

The 150th survey brought me to tears (how's that for professional?). It is all personal, anyway. It is both my professional and personal obligation to share your stories and to illuminate what we share as mothers and where our points of view, circumstances and choices diverge.

Thanks to you all. Much love and thanks to KSTAR, my friend, running buddy and fellow Dr. Mama, for all our casual conversations which stimulate and inspire me in my mothering work (the research, the theory and definitely the practice!)

I Need to Do This Work

2009-09-16T14:17:00.005-06:00

I read and review the words of participants in the Mothering Contexts Study often. I am waiting until there are 150 completed before beginning my first analysis (6 more!).

After reading about another mother's adventures in mothering I am reminded that as mothering is a context, so too is childhood - only the latter is more temporal; it ends. When we are in the thick of it mothering our children it can get very overwhelming (to say the least), but I believe we owe it to ourselves and to our children to recognize the gifts we have in them and the gifts we can give them.

Some of us provide our children with the role model we wish we had.
Some of us strive to live up to the way we were mothered.
Some of us struggle more than others with meeting our children's physical, basic needs.
Some of us struggle more than others with meeting our children's emotional needs.
Some of us live with regret, sadness, shame and fear.
Some of us have been given second chances.
Some of us have more.
Some of us have less.
Some of us have caring communities to share the work of mothering.

But, all of us are mothers, each of us giving this journey our own creative style and understanding our roles in unique and inspiring ways.

I need to do this work.

There are stories that need to be shared, more broadly.
There are concerns that need to be validated, more politically.
There are issues that need to be taken seriously.

So, after wiping a tear from my eye, I will shift gears to complete other work that must be done.

Guide: 9 More to Go!

2009-09-14T19:53:00.004-06:00

I had an amazing interview this afternoon with a remarkable mom. I just read another amazing interview from one participant who completed the on-line survey. They shared the theme of GUIDE.

It's amazing how significant our guidance - both direct and indirect - is in our mothering. I think it is important not only for our children who benefit from the things we teach them, but for our sense of self as mothers and as women.

I recognize that I will not always be able to control where I guide my sons, but I know that (at least for now) they look closely to me to guide them as they navigate their little social worlds; B1 primarily in his Grade One Classroom and B2 at pre-school and within their emerging peer networks.

I hope that when my sons are 10 or 19 they too want to sit on my lap!

Only 9 more surveys to complete to get to 150. Hooray!

Check out the Mothering Contexts Study HERE!.

If We All Carried Our Baggage Like a Backpack

2009-09-13T11:37:00.003-06:00

I wonder if we were all to carry our personal traumas, histories of victimization, harrowing experiences, and private tragedies on our backs visible (yet still invisible) for the world to gaze if this would decrease the separation between us?

Would others be more willing to look past the mistakes we have made? Would people who don't know us be more inclined to wonder about what we might have gone through? Or, would people simply suggest we are making excuses for our behaviour when we pull something out, revealing a layer of the backpack's contents.

I like to view humanity as essentially good. It concerns me, though, how unwilling we are at times to recognize our shared humanity.

Just my thoughts, as directly or indirectly related to motherhood as they are!

Back to School

2009-09-09T16:13:00.003-06:00

It is official - it's back to school! While B1 went to grade one last week, B2 started pre-school today and I was back at it teaching yesterday! It's got me to thinking about the dual roles I play as mother and teacher, as teacher and mother. After a four month hiatus there I was showing pictures of my children to another crop of (eager?) students!

I already feel the push/pull, torn between getting together the best lecture for tomorrow and spending time with B1 while he does his homework. The compromise: He sits at the kitchen table, while I work in the study, "We both have to finish our work first, then we can watch the video together." He settles for a "Good job" from across rooms. Meanwhile B2 meanders in and out of each of our work/spaces waiting patiently to learn more about endangered animals in the African wild.

There I was at the library looking for videos to show in my Introductory Sociology class and finding a couple I know my children would enjoy! I borrowed 3 possibly suitable ones for my classes, but previewing those will have to wait.

Soon I'll be cuddling my two sons as we transplant ourselves to Africa!

The Momoir Project

2009-09-06T15:54:00.004-06:00

A friend of mine is pursuing a unique writing opportunity called, The Momoir Project. This might be something other moms might find interesting. There are also online classes. Check it out!

Surveys are now trickling in for the Mothering Contexts Study. If you have the interest, time and energy for writing a little about your mothering experiences, I would love to hear from you!

Thanks to everyone!

What are Mommy Blogs For Anyway?

2009-09-04T22:37:00.009-06:00

I am beginning to wonder what the purpose of mommy blogs are. Is it merely intrinsic in that we are able to shed layers of our mommy selves and negotiate who we are as mothers for our own purview? Surely there must be some extrinsic value to posting our ramblings to others (known and unknown readers) to see.

If not for readers, why do we not confine our posts to private journals?

I am beginning to wonder how exactly I am going to combine my personal reflections on being a mom (based on my own experience with B1, B2 and DOAD) and my "findings" (analysis, narratives and questions, reflections from) the Mothering Contexts Study

Honestly, I am not quite sure where and when the professional hat comes off and when -or how for that matter - the personal veneer disappears. Can it? Does it? Should it?

I would love to know what the 135 participants in my research feel about these and other questions concerning mothering and our lives in and outside of motherhood.

I would WELCOME feedback from my readers on this. Please do share your thoughts here.

DOAD and I went to see a movie tonight, Julie and Julia, a movie based on a book Julie Powell wrote, based on a blog that my book club read a couple years ago. It really has got me thinking about this sharing of information that occurs on (all but mostly) mommy blog sites.

So, readers .. if you are out there PLEASE SHARE WITH ME your ideas about what you think a mommy blog is for; and in particular, a blog with two contradictory purposes - to ponder my personal and to ponder my professional and all the while attempt to deal with the political!!

And... this is my 100th post! What, really, have I said in 100 posts? Moreover, does it matter more than I said (wrote) it or that someone (presumably) read it?

My Baby is In Grade ONE?

2009-09-02T18:15:00.004-06:00

How did that happen? One minute I was expecting a baby, it seems the next (fast forward 6 years, obviously) my son is in school all day without me? Wow!

Pretty intense.

Kind of cool.[I hope he thought so]
How does he act in front of his teacher?
Do the other kids in his class like him? [of course, they MUST have thought he was funny and likable, right?]
What happened at lunch? [He used his manners, right? He wiped off any food that got on his face. The salmon sandwich didn't make his breath stink, right?]
He is so ready.[In so many ways it is grade three work he should be doing... in other ways did he get all he needed from kindergarten?!]
Today his brother said, "I miss him."[So, why were they fighting after school?]
I wondered if I asked too many questions about his day.
I am concerned that I didn't do enough "work" with him this summer. [Am I being too hard on myself?]
Did we do too much fun stuff this summer? [Possible?]

...just a few ramblings on the day

check out the Mothering Contexts Study - if you haven't already!

130 Surveys Completed!

2009-08-29T12:51:00.005-06:00

One hundred and thirty moms from across North America and beyond have graciously shared some of their mothering experiences with me through the Mothering Contexts Study Please check it out if you haven't already done so.

I really appreciate your time, your honesty and your willingness to participate!

I am looking to complete hundreds more... but at least for now to make my goal of 150 before I start back teaching on September 8th 2009.

Can 20 more surveys be done in 10 days? YES!!!

As for my own mothering lately, I've felt like a nag...

Me [the kids]

"Stop that!"
["Why?"]

"Don't do that to your brother"
[B1 removes leg from B2s back... Or, B2 continues to push B1 off the couch]

"STOP CRYING!!"
["I'm not crying!!"

"Where are your manners?"
["SorrEEEEEEE!]"

"That's not how we do things"
["Yeah, it is"]

"We don't run in a store"
(apparently WE do!)

Writing in a (blog) journal

2009-08-25T22:02:00.005-06:00

Today's gem from my Robin Sharma's Daily Inspiration from the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari is:

Writing in a journal on a regular basis is very powerful. This helps you get to know yourself and deepen your self relationship. Your journal should be a place you visit and examine yourself. With the awareness that brings, you can then pledge to make better choices. And better choices lead to better results.

Does a more public journal also allow for such awareness? Or, perhaps is the semi-private (who is reading this?) or quasi-public (someone could be reading this?) nature of blogging allow for a different kind of appreciation for what one is, purports or hopes to be?

On an always related note, I have 127 surveys! That is 127 mothers from across North America who have shared a little slice of their lives as mothers with me. Thank you all! My goal is 150 by September - so if you haven't yet done the Mothering Contexts Study please check it out soon!

Thank YOU (you know who you are)

2009-08-22T09:59:00.004-06:00

for "linking" me up! I am now at 111 surveys completed ... and counting.

The Mothering Contexts Study is one way I am exploring mothering experiences. I am also completing in person and telephone interviews - basically hearing mothers' narratives.

As the summer comes to a close and my "back to work" date looms, I am reminded that this hiatus from my professional life was only temporary. I look forward to - with some apprehension, some excitement and just a little bit of concern - this next phase of my mother/work journey where B1 enters grade one, B2 goes to pre-school 4 half days a week and DOAD is off sabbatical. What the future holds I am unsure, but I am jumping in with both feet!

After This I Had to Add 51

2009-08-21T21:49:00.002-06:00

51. Häagen-Dazs coffee

... after being on a liquid diet after having my wisdom tooth out - oh My!!

100 Surveys: 100 Things About Me (the first 50)

2009-08-21T19:51:00.010-06:00

1. I love being a mom more than anything in the world.

2. The person I adore, admire and aspire to be like most in the world is my husband, DOAD (dad of all dads).

3. I am a writer.

4. I am at my best when I write, speak, teach, think about what I am passionate about.

5. The Mothering Contexts Study in a few short months has rekindled my career goals (please check it out).

6. It both delights and scares me when I see myself in my son (B1).

7. I sometimes worry that I put too much pressure on myself to be the best mother I can be.

8. I love to run.

9. I hate it when things are beyond my control.

10. I live away from my extended family.

11. I have developed close friendships with some incredible women, whom I am honored
to call friends.

12. I love the television show FRIENDS and actually had Friends Parties in university.

13. I've been to Japan, but spent most of my three days there either at the Holiday Inn or the airport.

14. My dearest friend in the world (who joined me in Japan) is expecting her first child.

15. It scares me that my youngest son has no (NONE, NADA, ZILCH, not even a little) fear...especially when I think of him as a teenager!

16. I really do want to change the world.

17. I want to have a mountain retreat (although I was a prairie girl).

18. I used to hate tuna and now that I finally like it, turns out the recommendation is to limit such fish to once a month!

19. I had braces in my thirties.

20. I have never broken a bone.

21. 20 is not completely true... does cartilage count? I broke my nose (actually the person who threw the baseball broke it)

22. I have always liked the number 22, since my birthday is January 22nd.

23. That's a cusp zodiac sign... which (I believe) allows me to be OCD, controlling and at times demanding of perfection and order (Capricorn) but also free spirited, a visionary and easy going (Aquarius).

24. My husband (who is an Aquarius) won't necessarily agree with #23.

25. I have had three miscarriages.

26. I still want to have another baby.

27. I hate peanut butter and jam.

28. I like peanut butter.

29. I like jam.

30. I used to want to be Madonna.

31. I am happy that wish never came true!

32. I have four tattoos.

33. I've run a half marathon in the dark through the mountains.

34. I have an almost 5 year old golden retriever.

35. I've been married for 10 years to an amazing man (see #2)

36. I will be 36 on my next birthday.

37. I once played Charades in the Great Barrier Reef for over 30 minutes stumping everyone with my three word movie. Turns out it's called Reservoir Dogs (not Reservoir OF Dogs!)

38. I love pictures and I'd like to become a better photographer.

39. I had no surgeries until I turned 34, and have since had three.

40. I love to hike.

41. I've published one book called Youth, Crime, and Society: Issues of Power and Justice.

42. I'm going to write a book on Mothering.

42. I want to write children's books.

43. I'd love to be able to work full-time AND be with my children full-time (so if anyone has a strategy or magic duplication device, please do let me know!)

44. My favourite hockey player when I was growing up was Dave Babych (number 44, Winnipeg Jets).

45. I have Ukrainian heritage and I am neither fond of borshch (beet soup) nor Holubtsi (cabbage rolls, but before looking it up I thought it was as I remember it sounding, "holup-chi") and Pedehey is not "heaven on a plate" to me.

46. I've belonged to numerous workout facilities (gyms) with very interesting names - from Energy (or E2, as the second location was called) to Fit 'n Firm.

47. I haven't worn a watch since June 2006, but before that I always had one on.

48. B2 was almost born: at home, in an ambulance, in an elevator, ... in a hospital room. He actually arrived on a stretcher temporarily parked in the doorway between the hallway and the room we would subsequently stay in.

49. When I got married in 1999 I had 5 grandparents present (maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents, maternal great-grandmother), now only two remain (my Nana and my Grandma.

50. I love to sing and dance, but have always been self conscious of doing both.

Rogue Wisdom Tooth Gets Axed

2009-08-20T17:44:00.004-06:00

Today I had oral surgery to remove a rogue wisdom tooth - I didn't get them in my teens like most! This so-called after care recovery is really cramping my style. All I have had to eat since last night's supper is chicken broth, a few crackers and water!

If you haven't filled out the Mothering Contexts Study please check it out.

I would REALLY, really, REALLY appreciate you passing along the link to other moms. I have 94 surveys completed and my goal by the end of the summer was 150.

I don't have this site linked to other blogs (perhaps with more traffic), so I would be delighted to have assistance on this. I am open to recruitment suggestions. Thus far, I have been reluctant to post anything onto more commercial mommy blogs or parenting sites.

91 Posts and 91 Surveys Completed!

2009-08-07T11:34:00.008-06:00

This is actually officially the 92nd post, but I have made 91 posts on this blog (since 2006!) and now 91 awesome mothers have completed the Mothering Contexts Study.

Today I was looking at Robin Sharma's Daily Inspiration (from the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari), a gift from two friends for my birthday. I went back a few pages to August 2nd, the day I began and completed Leg 5 of the Canadian Death Race 2009. It read the following

To conquer, one first must yield. Rather than going against the change, one should flow with it. The nature of water is to flow. It goes with the current. It does not resist. It does not hesitate before it yields. But it is also one of the most powerful forces on the earth.

This resonates with me, for sure!

Go Death Racer!

2009-08-04T09:39:00.019-06:00

We are back from Grande Cache and forever changed!! The death race experience was absolutely amazing. Leg 5 was a killer and lifer at the same time. It gave much more than it took, actually. It was an intense physical and emotional journey over 22 km of trail, including lots of up and a little down hills. The part I loved to hate and hated to love was filled with tree roots. I only fell 5 times!

Here are several shots from the weekend that inspired me to physically go beyond what I thought I was capable of.

A portion of Leg 5, racers enter below across the river after a quick jet boat ride to continue!

It was incredible. I finished the leg in about 3 hours, which was pretty amazing. B1 and B2 and DOAD were there at the finish line to celebrate with me. One of my first comments, "Who wants to go for a run?!" Ha!

This experience really taught me a lot about mothers as models. It is not simply what we do "as mothers" that defines our mothering, but what we do in the world that influences both how our children see us and how they view themselves. What else do you do that influences who you are and how your children see you? Please let me know via the Mothering Contexts Study.

4 Days and Counting... NSPORK?!

2009-07-28T14:01:00.003-06:00

... until my inaugural adventure race! Today I took B1 and B2 shopping for race paraphernalia. I needed a wind/water resistant jacket. I purchased a 'camel pack' (backpack hydration system), head lamp and a new pair of socks. Yes, I figure that a new pair of running socks will make all the difference (at least that is what I am letting myself believe). I wonder how many steps 22 km is? That's a lot of trail pounding. I have freshly painted blue toe nails, which I am hoping I get to keep. [I've been told, the last leg is a killer on the toes!]

Anyway, back in the mountain equipment store B1 was incredibly adorable wearing a huge camping backpack that would be large enough for a man of 6 feet (so just imagine what a lean 6 year old boy looked like in it!) He navigated the store with his little brother in tow seeking out resources, tools and other necessities for "rescuing animals on the brink of extinction." Perhaps some binoculars, a tent, definitely a head lamp...

Their most interesting find, though, was a "spork," (a handy camping utensil that doubles as a spoon and a fork, that even has one serrated edge that makeshifts as a knife). While B2 just thought it was pretty "cool," upon perusal B1 was quick to suggest the name should have the "n" sound in it - what about a NSPORK?

8 Days until the Canadian Death Race

2009-07-24T10:11:00.003-06:00

I am running the 5th leg (22 km) of the Canadian Death Race, coming up in 8 days August 1/2, 2009 in Grande Cache, Alberta. Yeah, that's me - elite, adventure racer! I started training - mostly running - in March and now here we are with about one week until the BIG DAY! DOAD is running the first leg (19 km) and we are bringing B1 and B2 for a family adventure weekend!

8 words to describe how I am feeling about it...
1) excited
2) nervous
3) thrilled
4) challenged
5) curious
6) strong
7) hopeful
8) did I say nervous?

As I embark on the next race/goal/adventure, I continue to think about where my running fits in my life - what it brings to me, my family and my own sense of happiness. What gives you that lift, as a Mom, to bring more to your kids? Tell me about it on my survey - check out the Mothering Contexts Study!

Can't Rest on Laurels

2009-07-16T19:14:00.008-06:00

B1 is playing with B2 - dinosaur adventures (or what they call "Prehistoric Park") and I hear, "We can't rest on laurels."

Indeed, I am definitely sure my youngest understood his big brother to mean "to rely on past achievements, status or reputation!" Too cute!

Ever heard of Walking with Dinosaurs? I know this phrase is one Nigel Marven uses on the Prehistoric Park BBC video they LOVE LOVE LOVE! It's incredible how much they (especially B1) takes out of these. For anyone with young kids who are interested in dinosaurs, check out Nigel Marven's official site.

Anyone interested in participating in the Mothering Contexts Study and sharing little gems like this (and not so precious ones) please do!

My Baby Turns 6 on Sunday

2009-07-02T20:17:00.003-06:00

July 5th 2003 was a very special day. I don't remember it the same way I recall the rushed entrance of my youngest, but I could never forget the night I lay awake in the hospital bed across from this magnificent little creature (whose pinky, bruised head I could not even see) my son. The first year was amazing. Here are a few highlights:
1) he slept through the night (8+ hours) at two months
2) he ate solid foods at 4 1/2 months
3) he walked at 9 months
4) he talked clearly in articulate, complex sentences at 21 months
5) his smile has always been, and remains angelic

Since then age 1 through 5 are almost a blur now, they went by so quickly it seems... his brother was born when he was about 28 months old (another STORY!!); he spent 13 months home full-time with me on maternity leave; he went to pre-school, swimming lessons, soccer, hockey, and just recently completed Kindergarten.

My first born now wants to "be a paleontologist, get a PhD in Zoology, and be an artist" when he gets older. He loves me more than anything and continually shares the most thoughtful, caring and kind compliments and admiration (Why am I so lucky?). He teaches me something every day; both facts about dinosaurs and little gems about the world through his eyes.

He is a wonder, a caring old soul, a piece of heaven, a truly amazing child whose smile can melt your heart. His sincere, compassionate nature is rare. I can only beam with pride that I had anything to do with that!

"Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. Like I have told you before, July 5th marks one extremely special day, an incomparable day - that day I became a mother. For six years now I have been Your Mom.

Love,
Mom"

soak up the sun

2009-06-26T09:45:00.008-06:00

Remember Sheryl Crow's 2002 song, "Soak Up the Sun?" Today on my long run (yes, it was sunny) I was thinking about a line in it. Below I have pasted the lyrics
(from http://www.elyrics.net/song/s/sheryl-crow-lyrics.html) Which line do you think it was?

My friend the communist
Holds meetings in his RV
I can't afford his gas
So I'm stuck here watching TV
I don't have digital
I don't have diddly squat
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

[CHORUS:]
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up o I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I've got a crummy job
It don't pay near enough
To buy the things it takes
To win me some of your love
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe i am crazy too

[CHORUS]

I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me
Don't have no master suite
I'm still the king of me
You have a fancy ride, but baby
I'm the one who has the key
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too

[CHORUS]

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Got my 45 on
So I can rock on.

It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

I had an incredible conversation with DOAD last night about our hopes, needs, wants and ways to make these become realities.

Is this merely a trite colloquialism? Something from some radio tune without much meaning? At first blush, sure the phrase can be read as "be satisfied," "don't assume what you don't have is somehow better than what you do." On further reflection, however, perhaps part of what strikes such a chord with me is the either/or. Can't it be wanting what you have AND having what you want?

I sure LOVE what I have. To the extent, though, that I "want what I have," can't I also have what I want (say, additional 'things' in the future)? This kind of quest for me is not a longing or desire to fill a gap from my current existence. Instead, it is about coming to recognize all that is possible with what I have. In this way, the working toward is not in opposition to what IS today, but intimately connected to what is present in the here and now.

OK, I'll admit maybe this is all a little too deep a reading for a song called "soak up the sun!" I really wonder, still, about this interplay between present and future.

I finally (seem to have) figured out how not to dwell in the past and how not to project everything onto tomorrow. Yet, navigating the subtle (and not so gentle) blending of what is 'here and now' and what goals, hopes, aspirations I have that extend into 'tomorrow and beyond' is somewhat trickier.

All I know for sure is that life with DOAD - a partnership that has facilitated, encouraged, nurtured, supported and in so many other ways contoured my mothering journey, my career and my sense of self and efficacy in the world - is exactly what I need and want, for today and tomorrow.

Holiday Weekend

2009-06-24T18:19:00.007-06:00

If you haven't already done so, please check out the Mothering Contexts Study

Here are some pictures of B1 and B2 at the Lake. We did a quick trip to the Okanagan Valley (British Columbia, Canada) this past weekend. The boys LOVED playing in and about the water. As their mom, I know I am biased, but aren't they beautiful?!

Anyone else glad it's summer?

Running as a Metaphor for Mothering

2009-06-15T09:27:00.005-06:00

I have been engaged in this research project – Mothering Contexts Study– for about one month – soliciting mothers’ participation and doing in-depth interviews. Another activity that has taken up much of my time is running. I am training to complete the fifth leg of the Canadian Death Race (August 1 and 2, 2009 in Grande Cache, Alberta). Several weeks ago I admitted to one of my friends that I am starting to see myself as a “runner,” not simply someone who runs, or ‘just’ jogs. She agreed! Until this morning’s run, though, running and mothering were two separate activities, at least in my head. While I have a jogger (which we call “the running stroller!”), that I have pushed my kids in running behind for years, I still didn’t see the two things as related very much indirectly, never mind directly. While on a 15 km run this morning (scratch that – MY 15 km run), it became very clear to me how very much running is intertwined in my mothering life – and I think, vice versa. In both I surprise myself at how much I am able to do, how much I get out of both running and mothering and overall how each has changed me as a person.

35 Ways Running is like Mothering

~Like running, mothering …
• takes a while to find your stride
• is about time management
• is on the course training
• makes you sweat
• wipes you out
• requires that you ‘breathe’
• is easier with a friend
• is better with a warm-up and cool-down
• has risks and rewards
• is about making time
• requires energy (sometimes more than we have)
• appears easier than it is
• is about stages, phases, and events
• can cause pain
• requires planning
• requires flexibility
• can be done with and without technical assistance and expert knowledge
• is sometimes plodding along, sometimes breakneck speed
• is empowering
• is all encompassing
• is accompanied by an amazing, incomparable feeling that can only be
understood if you’ve felt it (like a runner’s high – a Mom’s high!)
• is not about getting to the finish line
• is always about more than just you
• carries over into other areas of your life
• gives you more than it takes from you
• offers opportunities for personal fulfillment and growth
• is a psychological, bodily, social, and spiritual experience
• offers life lessons
• challenges more than our body
• engages and inspires those who are willing to be open to the possibilities
• provides moments of brilliance and darkness
• looks different depending on who’s doing it
• brings true happiness
• is soul work – love

Thank you my friends

2009-06-04T19:46:00.002-06:00

Having 54 surveys already completed, I wanted to say thank you to my friends, blog followers and all the mothers who have graciously participated in my study. I thoroughly appreciate your input!!

I didn't do it!

2009-06-03T11:38:00.002-06:00

Picture was too cute to resist! I feel a little behind in my blogging. Just returned home from a conference in NYC, where my Mom joined me. What a fabulous and amazing experience to share this past weekend with her. THANKS, MOM!

We have hit a milestone. The Mothering Contexts Study has been on-line for four weeks (tomorrow) and 50 mothers have completed the survey. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time and energy to share some of their story. If you want to participate in a telephone interview, please email me at minakerj@macewan.ca

B2 Does Yoga

2009-05-20T07:56:00.009-06:00

Thanks to everyone who has joined My Mommy is! Welcome to the site of the Mothering Contexts Study please check out the survey!

FOR MORE INFORMATION SEE POST FOR MAY 1ST 2009

please note: May is a busy conference month and I have not been/will not be able to post as regularly. Get ready for lots of posting in June and please use the comment feature to build this community. Thanks for reading!

So, I took my dog for a run today...

2009-05-11T21:35:00.005-06:00

K can attest that Riel didn't so much make it to our run today. I told her once to "come," twice, three times and NOTHING! Nothing but crazy, golden retriever antics! So, yes I followed through. She spent our run back at the house. Sorry, Riel.

Please, if you haven't done so already - check out the Mothering Contexts Study (no questions about pets, though).

Mother's Day 2009

2009-05-10T17:54:00.004-06:00

Thanks to R and K for a great Mother's Day 5 km (~3 mile) run this morning. What a beautiful day to celebrate being a mom! Thanks to DOAD and sweet boys for supporting me in my running journey.

Please check out the Mothering Contexts Study

Feedback Already

2009-05-08T17:29:00.006-06:00

Thanks very much to the moms who have completed the Mothering Contexts Study. The response has been overwhelming already! I appreciate your support and your positive feedback about the survey. I am very much interested in hearing the stories of all mothers from all kinds of situations and so energized that so many women are keen to share their experiences with me! Please use the open ended section at the end to provide your own take on mothering in your own words. Thanks so very much for sharing your stories.

Keep checking back as I will share the results here - I will try my best to keep this blog updated.

Please use the blog comments to provide me some feedback on the process of doing the survey if you'd like.

Pre-Mother's Day Launch!

2009-05-06T21:28:00.003-06:00

I launched my Mothering Contexts Study officially today! I am so looking forward to hearing about the mothering experiences of women from all over... the crazy things that come out of our mouths that we share with friends later and laugh, but at the time cringe... the gems we come up with when grocery shopping to discipline our kids... to the trials and tribulations of trying to do it all - whatever that means to each of us. I am interested in hearing all about it!

Mothering Contexts Study

2009-05-01T11:02:00.003-06:00

Welcome! Thanks for checking out my blog and the mothering contexts study. I will have the on-line survey up and running this weekend for MOTHER'S DAY (a little past my May 4th 2009 initial launch date!).

Please try again to access the survey. For now, please feel free to navigate through my blog, the old posts and find out a little more about me and my work.

The study is intended to hear mothers' voices and provide narratives of women's lives as mothers. I will pay particular attention to the ideas, understandings and discourses they draw on to explain their mothering, the behaviours and practices they engage in with their children and outside of their children's lives, and the wider societal and cultural context of mothering. It is my hope that this research would be appealing to all mothers, especially those of us who are questioning how our mothering role is and is not related to other aspects of our multi-dimensional lives.

Research Objective
My objective is to examine the experience of mothering in the various contexts of women’s lives. Stated different, this research explores the situated nature of mothering and the ways in which mothering contexts influence maternal identities and maternal practices. The following questions will guide my research: What does motherhood look like in North America today? What are women’s experiences of mothering? What interactions characterize motherhood? What unique identities do mothers develop? What "cultural scripts" and wider understandings do women use to make sense of their mothering practices? How are mother(ing) experiences connected to the particular context (structural/relational) that women find themselves; that is, mothers living poverty, immigrant mothers, stay-at-home mothers, non-custodial mothers, lesbian mothers, young mothers, mothers with careers etc. and the list goes on!

What are the differences in our experience of motherhood?
What are the similarities in our experiences of motherhood?

WHAT CONNECTS US AS MOTHERS?

If you are interested in taking part in an in-person interview, please contact me through the comment function on this post and we can discuss a mutually agreeable plan.

Thanks very much for your assistance, support and involvement.

Sincerely,
Dr. Mama (aka Joanne)

Who Said I Couldn't Do It All?

2009-04-30T11:53:00.004-06:00

I feel empowered and inspired lately - to do more, to be more, to give more, to care more, to risk more, to try more, and to make the biggest mark I can make in the lives of my children, DOAD and the world. I want to push farther, to challenge myself further, to dig deeper (could I talk in more colloquialisms?)

Seriously, I keep bombarding myself with new ideas, be it visions of new projects, new businesses, new groups or ways to develop, improve upon or otherwise re-create things I am already involved in.

I feel so much in control (now, that is). I wonder, though, who ever said I COULD have it all? Was it me?

Could I have TOO much excitement for everything BIG and be missing what is little, everyday, mundane, even tedious?

Then, fear/doubt/guilt attempts to alter my course... who am I to think I can change the world? Who am I to think I can live a life extraordinary?

I AM THAT GIRL

D-Clutter

2009-04-19T11:33:00.001-06:00

I am on a rampage - a de-luttering one, that is! Everything seems packed with STUFF. Some I want. Some I don't. Some I care about. Some I really, really DON'T.

It started with the pantry, then the cupboards, back to the pantry, upstairs to check on my boys, back down, stare at dishes in the sink, then the ones still not put away from the dishwasher...

Oh, right I was trying to minimize the distractions, wasn't I?

Better get back.

Still Breathing...

2009-03-31T19:30:00.001-06:00

Crazy
Swamped
Run Down
Run

Sane
Above Water
Running Away

Running Toward...

More than one week

2009-03-17T08:50:00.002-06:00

I let the blog go more than one week from an entry, which I have tried not to do.

5 Things That Make Me Smile

1. My children laughing
2. My husband's face
3. Listening to my son read to me
4. Hearing "I love you"
5. Discovering something new

If penguins come from other penguins...

2009-03-09T15:39:00.003-06:00

then what about those penguins?

B1 casually asked me this one morning when I was rushing off to work. Knowing my audience - a 5 1/2 year old, and an analytic one at that - I tried to be clear, accurate and honest.

Well, sweetie that is an excellent, very intelligent question, I begin...

I went into some details about 1) evolution, science and talked about birds adapting; 2) creation, religion and talked about a spirit greater than any one of us.

I am very interested in hearing from other moms (those scientifically, spiritually inclined or both) about similar queries and how they have handled it. It begs larger questions about what we are teaching children about our world and their place in it. To what extent are we reinforcing our own position about that world and perhaps limiting the ways in which they can engage with it.

What a shame if in our attempts to do our best at parenting we close off possibility for them (i.e. God created everything [period] or There is no spiritual force that influences nature [period]). Shouldn't childhood be about exploration and discovery. In retrospect, I wish I wasn't so anxious with proceeding with my answer, and had spent some time asking him about his.

In the end (of that conversation at least), he was satisfied that I explained two main answers to the question and suggested that it is possible to believe in both!

Calling all moms: How do you handle the BIG questions in ways that encourage your children to keep asking the little ones?

Simultaneous

2009-03-02T19:08:00.002-07:00

Simultaneous-
thoughts, emotions, questions
Am I where I'm supposed to be?

Simultaneous-
expectations, needs, contexts
Each making demands of me

Simultaneous-
responsibilities, tasks, roles
Exerting pressure - sucking life,
some I refuse to even see

Simultaneous-
responsibilities, tasks, roles
Providing presence - giving life,
some I cannot even see

Simultaneous- a fiction?
mind
body
spirit
How can I be all three?

Mother/Work

2009-02-26T06:58:00.004-07:00

Ever find yourself crossing that proverbial bridge before you arrive at the river? I have been accepted to two academic conferences in May. In both instances I have the opportunity to discuss the raw maternal moments of the last several months. I am thrilled as an academic and as Mama, PhD, but this presents challenges to me simply as a Mom. That is to suggest that my being away from home and family for the better part of two different weeks raises the question, "Who will care for my children while I am away?" [DOAD, of course]

Actually, being an academic himself he too is planning on being away in May. As life would have it there will be overlap and conflict in our travel plans. Playing neurotic, organizing, determined NOT to let this become an issue upon realizing this rendering of events Mom, I attempted (desperately?) to "fix" things. Dramatically reaching out to colleagues, to friends, to conference organizers (?!)... etc.

DOAD, even being the most understanding and accessible father that he is took a much different approach: "We'll work it out." One reading would have this as a much more rational and realistic response to this situation. Another (maternally inclined one) would point to the differential experience of parenting. Mothers mother. Fathers father. To what extent is the minutia of details and concerns I seem to fret with simply my own insecurities or rather how much of this comes from the mama mandate meets the ideal worker syndrome crashes against the demands of the academy? Perhaps, it is a little of all of that.

Can I ask you something?

2009-02-22T20:44:00.003-07:00

I said to B1 tonight while we were cuddling before bed, "Can I ask you something?" He said, "Mom, you can ask me anything." I continued, "If you could change anything about me, what would it be?" He said, "NOTHING!" I said, "It's ok to tell me something... maybe there's something I could do better as your Mom."

"Well, next time we have kiwis, you could give me some more. I really like them!"

Smile.

Life and Family: Family Life

2009-02-16T11:43:00.003-07:00

My Life
So messy and untidy
Not neatly divided,
as my Mothers' appeared to be

Separate spheres?
Work [and] Family
Family, then Work
Totalizing, enveloping each of them
Reconcile - reconciling?

The overlap,
no separation
I'd lie if I called it integration
Domestic Life. Academic Life

My Life
My Life

This poem I post in honour of Family Day, an Alberta holiday to celebrate families. Today we are going to see a play called Apples and Oranges... more to come on this later!

A Metaphor For More?

2009-02-14T10:27:00.005-07:00

"I have bouggers!"
"Mom, I need a Kleenex."
"There's mucous!"

Any way B2 says it, this means that every few minutes he needs me to wipe his cold stuck little nose. Is this simply wiping his nose or it this constant need for Mom indicative of something greater, suggestive of something more?

Each moment he is taking me away from reading a new book called Mama PhD. It occurs to me my maternal self and my academic self may not be that separate after all. I go upstairs, I wipe his nose, then I return to the narrative of another mama academic.

Perhaps my academic self is always being pulled in the direction of my maternal self. But, what do I make of the opposite process, which I feel sometimes, when my maternal self is pulled in the direction of my academic self?

Or... maybe it is just wiping a kid's nose!

... And, again I hear, "Mom, I need a KLEEEEEEEEEEEeeneX!

Adversity and/or Opportunity

2009-02-09T10:31:00.006-07:00

I received a gift on my recent birthday from a couple of friends, Robin Sharma's Daily Inspiration (from the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari). The excerpt for my birthday is as follows:

The most joyful, dynamic and contented people in this world are no different from you or me in terms of their makeup. We are all flesh and bones. We all come from the same universal source. However, the ones who do more than just exist, the ones who fan the flames of their human potential and truly savour the magical dance of life, do different things than those whose lives are ordinary. Foremost among the things that they do is adopt a positive paradigm about their world and all that is in it. Where others see adversity, they see opportunity (2007, January 22 entry, no page).

Makes me think...

Is it simply that I choose how these natal experiences will affect me, impact me, define me? Is it really a case that my positive paradigm can someone transform this adverse experience that has happened to me into an opportunity to become something more, someone greater than I was before?

A friend asked me recently, "How are you feeling now?" A seemingly simple question to which I really had no reply. She queried further, "Are you stunned?" "Yes, I am stunned." What did I mean by this? I think that I am both shocked and amazed - shocked that this has happened (three times, no charm) and amazed at how incredibly normal everything else seems. I am amazed that I haven't fallen apart. My friend continued, "You know, had you not tried for a third you would not have gone through any of this." This observation is loaded with meaning. It suggests to me that there is much in this to learn from, to grow from, to understand, to appreciate? To return to the Sharma quotation, "where others see adversity, they see opportunity," and ponder this for a moment... (and I welcome others interpretations)

My students can tell you that I resist and challenge dichotomous thinking (it is up or down, right or wrong, truth or falsehood etc.). I don't think in this case it is a matter of either adversity or opportunity. If I think this is an opportunity I deny the reality of the pain, frustration, and sadness associated with
losing another baby. Yet, if I think of this as an adverse event I then close off any possibilities to learn, grow, or use this experience in my life to take ownership and control over the situation. Rather, I am trying to view this whole thing as neither bad nor good, but as BOTH adversity and opportunity. In other words, it is not a question of closure or opening, but rather a closure IS an opening.

Hey, I wouldn't have enjoyed that glass of red wine last night had I been expecting! I wouldn't have enjoyed running (and stopping to walk!) this morning had I been expecting! I wouldn't be wearing such tight jeans (hhm... )

In all seriousness, I wouldn't have been able to truly appreciate why I want to have another turn at pregnancy and motherhood (that is a post for another time!).

Update

2009-02-08T10:43:00.003-07:00

1. D.O.A.D (dad of all dads). DOAD has been at work a lot lately. I don't blame him, resent it, or say this to complain. I just find myself answering the question, "Where's Daddy?" a lot more with "He's at work." I notice, though, that the more he is away the more he offers to us when he is home. I am very fortunate to have this amazing man to call my husband.

2. B1 and B2. Let's start with the ugly. Well, that was more for emphasis, there really is no ugly, but there is a lot of confusion! B1 has been frustrating us considerably when it comes to playing hockey. Perhaps I should re-phrase that with at hockey because one of our concerns is that he is out for a figure skate whist his teammates attempt to put a black puck into a red net. It seems like so much comes so easy to him that putting in the effort to learn the new skills involved in participating in hockey doesn't seem necessary to him. What's a (hockey) mom to do? Practice again today... we'll see what happens. B2 has been frustrating us considerably with his insistence on coming into our bed (see post My 2.5 Year Old Won't Stay in Bed). Isn't he 3 now??? How come I have let this continue for so long? Is there something in this I enjoy?

Otherwise, these two gems delight my world and I am grateful each day for getting to be their "Mom," (B1) and "Mama" (B2).

3. Dog. R is back to her bone head self again! And... only $150.00 later! I took her yesterday to our local off leash area and she went crazy running around in the heaps and piles of SNOW. Of course the other dog owners gushed over this gorgeous shrimp of a 4.5 year old golden retriever. Ah... dogs!

4. Work. Professionally, some new and exciting things are coming my way, which I am keen to write about (later). I guess this blog has been more about my mom life lately! More to come soon...

5. Body. Next question.

6. Other. Spent this morning supervising B1 write out Valentines for his Kindergarten class. Very sweet, actually. I asked him if he wanted to put two heart stickers on a couple special (girl) friends (one neighbour and one team mate) and he replied:, "Yes! Ah, no, that would not be fair."

Competing with "Marley" for the World's Worst Dog Title

2009-02-05T07:49:00.004-07:00

My most recent doctor's appointment wasn't for me... it was for my 4.5 year old golden retriever. As if life hadn't thrown me enough to handle lately I spent yesterday stressed out about our canine family member. "I hope R won't die," B1 says casually while taking his bath!

In the summer of 2007 one July day our little "food" hound got into the contents of our bathroom garbage. Ingesting paper products and whatever else we had tossed in there (obviously) didn't agree with her system! 4 hours in surgery, two night stay at the animal hospital, meds, recovery, etc. and all of a sudden we weren't going to Hawaii. Nope, we were left with a $7, 000.00 bill for a dog we had paid $750.00 for. She was so young and it all happened so fast, we hadn't even discussed this sort of thing yet: What else could we do but say, "go ahead with whatever she needs."

You can imagine the nightmarish visions I had when my dog starts vomiting and stops pooping. I cannot go down this road again!

I called the vet and initially we were told to leave her there and they would check her out and run some tests. The bill? $700.00. On second thought, "can I bring her back later today?"

Back we came and the vet was able to dislodge something from her rectum and voila - the culprit. Or, as the vet cautioned, part of it. A couple hundred dollars and a healthy dog at the end - now that I can handle.

We left with instructions to feed her every hour, but only a tablespoon of special fiber enhanced formula dog food. So, last night - every hour on the hour - there I was giving our dog her ration. It didn't take long to notice that she was very, very interested in food again.

This morning I was greeted with our hype case of a pet. I took her outside. Pee? Check. Anything else? Would she? Is everything cleared? Is it all over? I watch her prance back and forth, forth and back [taking her usual sweet time to find the perfect spot upon which to release the contents of her bowels]... and
Defecation! Yes, I recall only being so pleased to see poop as when B1 had jaundice and we were monitoring his every stomach gurgle.

Oh, what we do for those we love!

Double Life? (or multiplicitous me)

2009-02-01T12:17:00.003-07:00

Can I really be this woman who continues to go to work, who volunteers in her son's classroom, who is attempting a new workout routine, who laughs at dinner with friends, who reads to her children, who caresses her husband, who walks her dog, ...etc who - by all appearances can balance work and family - while at the same time be a woman who is suffering the unspeakable grief of early pregnancy loss? Am I she and her? Where is the dividing line between the continued joys and celebration of my motherhood and my family AND the termination of plans, hopes, expectations and new beginnings for a new baby? Am I leading a double life - one characterized by pain and anger, the other full of life, love, and "new" (albeit different than what was planned) beginnings? Or, is it alright to see BOTH adversity and opportunity in my recent maternal experiences and wider life?

What to expect when you're no longer expecting...

2009-01-29T07:39:00.014-07:00

Don't anyone take this 'stolen' title, as I think I deserve to own this clever take on the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" series! Yes, I think I have some right to the phrase. Why???

Let me back up the proverbial "truck" (which is both what my body feels like and what I feel like I've been hit by in the last year). You may recall from an earlier post almost a year ago (The Day That Changed Everything) that I suffered my first miscarriage in February 2008. This rocked my world. I couldn't believe that something like that would happen to me - me the one with two beautiful, healthy boys. It did. And, yes - I got over it; but not over it like you get over a cold. I can't say that each time I have been struck by "Acute viral nasopharyngitis" or "acute coryza" it has irrevocably changed me. The miscarriage, which for me was the loss of my baby Devyn, did alter who and what I was (not completely). It altered how I saw the world and myself in it, and not in a purely negative way. Finally getting past the "why me" pity party I realized that this experience, which at first crushed me, did not destroy my spirit. Rather, it made it and me stronger. It turned the core and/or character I thought I was/had into elastic. I was stretched in all directions, including toward my own children, my husband, my friends, my work and away from each at times. It was as if someone or something from outside me was manipulating me. My life and my soul (if you will) seemed no longer mine to possess or control. But, as I said, I got over it.

After much soul searching, lots of tears and a few screams DOAD and I were as prepared as we could be to "try again." Trying again after miscarriage is a scary undertaking. I wondered could it happen again? I waited the prescribed two healthy menstrual cycles and we were ready to try for the next pregnancy. It came as quite a surprise last June when we realized we were, in fact, pregnant again. I remember feeling not only excited about it, but also relieved that we wouldn't have to go through the up/down ride of trying to get pregnant (e.g. period, wait 10-14 days, start testing with ovulation sticks etc..... am I? perhaps - no coffee, no wine, no running, no.....). It seemed almost too good to be true. And, it was. July 6th (the day after B1's 5th birthday) I started bleeding, heavy, and I knew what was happening. Somehow (although I remember being sad and upset) it didn't seem to be as bad or as hard to deal with as the first time. It was so early (5 weeks) and we had only known for a week. It was easier to tell myself that I wasn't ready and I hadn't given my body enough time to heal and get healthy from the first miscarriage yet. Off we went the next day to visit family and I tried to just carry on like everything was fine.

Was it? Perhaps. I started getting serious about running again. I went to the gym before work in the mornings and watched more carefully what I put into my body. By the Fall I felt wonderful. I had reached the weight I wanted (I think 1 or 2 pounds less than when I was pregnant with B2 - at time time I felt this mattered!!). I was ready. We were ready.

Ready for what is now the question. After a couple months of trying to conceive my LMP (for those unfamiliar with this speak that's last menstrual period) was October 31st 2008. Forgive my perhaps morbid humour but what first appeared as a treat turned out to be a trick!

Early December I did a pregnancy test and YES, it confirmed it: we were expecting! As I had two miscarriages I had been advised to contact my OBGYN as soon as we were pregnant. I was hyper vigilant now. No running, no caffeine, no alcohol. This time, though, I added more than 'Materna' (pre-natal vitamins) to my daily regiment. My doctor indicated that for some women early pregnancy loss is related to luteal phase defect (low progesterone). I may want to opt for progesterone suppositories. So, there began my mornings with a waxy pill specially made for me that I would pop and days ended the same way. Add a little lose dose aspirin for good measure and the control I had over this pregnancy was complete. Well... I had positive thoughts too?!!? As well, the nurse scheduled me for an early ultrasound, "just to make sure everything was good."

December 29th came, the ultrasound appointment. I should have been at almost 9 weeks, but when the technician did the ultrasound he found a healthy gestational sac measuring at 7 weeks, 5 days and only a small fetal pole. I was sent to the restroom to empty my full bladder so they could do an internal ultrasound to get a better picture. There I looked at myself in the mirror, "This is all going to be alright," I actually said aloud. I felt nothing was wrong (and I was the one who was wrong). I returned for the next step. After the tech had completed the search for my baby's heartbeat and came back empty handed, he left to get the doctor.

This time around the doctor wasn't cold, she merely indicated that "we would have expected and liked to see more at this point. We couldn't get a heartbeat and it would have been there at 6 weeks. Could your dates be off?" I was puzzled and didn't quite know what to make of this. I told her I had a long cycle and hadn't had regular periods. She said to come back in a couple of weeks. I needed something more, so I said, "What are you saying, it is 50/50?" "Yes," she replied.

Somehow I was able to get through the 18 days between this and the next ultrasound. Finally, it was January 15th 2009. Throughout this time I had remained calm, hopeful and otherwise pregnant. My nausea, breast fullness, tummy expansion and hormonal temperament had not subsided. I had no signs the pregnancy was failing. I woke feeling excited that I would hear my baby's heartbeat and know that everything was alright. The experience was not quite was I anticipated.

The technician moved the wand back and forth and I attempted to gain the best glimpse of the screen I could. At that moment, I knew. The fetus was no longer living. This pregnancy was over; only my body wasn't acting like it. The report would indicate no evidence of the fetus, likely already absorbed. The gestational sac this time measured at 8 weeks, 5 days. I don't know what this means. Perhaps things progressed and my baby's heart did beat, or maybe it was already dying at the first ultrasound and the products of conception [which the contents of my uterus would later be referred to as] had simply continued the process of pregnancy without the little being they were supposed to support. All I knew was that this third miscarriage gained me entrance into a new category, "recurrent miscarriage." I had had three miscarriages in a row.... after two healthy pregnancies and babies. But.. I am getting ahead of myself.

I left the clinic. I didn't yet cry. I called my husband and told him our terrible news. He had been so supportive over the past weeks. He kept me upbeat and didn't allow me to lose faith. [Thank-you.] In explaining what happened and how I was making sense of the non-sensical I lost it. I wept in my car alone into my cell phone. Shortly after that, sipping on my REcaffeinated coffee, I drove back to work. I carried on, proceeded as usual. The next day, I started to bleed. I still find this fascinating how the mind and body are both interconnected and at odds. Once my brain knew it was over, I must have let go. Yet, why/how could my mind (all those positive thoughts) keep my body from miscarrying earlier?! These answers I will never have. I do expect other answers, though.

Throughout the weekend the bleeding continued, although not extremely heavily. After I had lost what I thought was most of 'it,' the bleeding started to tapper off. I figured this was a good sign. The early pregnancy loss clinic at the hospital had contacted my Friday (the day after the ultrasound) and urged me to come in 9:00 am Monday morning. In addition to support, they wanted to assess me, get some blood tests done and since I am Rh negative I would need a shot of WinRow/Rhogam.

I left alone for the hospital with DOAD at home with my boys. I got there, pad in place, and spoke to the nurse. I had gone directly to the clinic, so wasn't ever admitted to the hospital. We discussed my options: 1. Let my body finish the miscarriage on its own; 2. Take a drug to make my uterus contract and complete the miscarriage with chemical assistance; 3. Have another ultrasound, get a doctor's opinion on how to proceed; 4. Schedule a D and C. I was planning a trip in two days, so I was concerned about the time frame, however, I had already started bleeding (unlike last February), so I felt comfortable telling the nurse, "I'm just going to let my body do what it's going to do." I didn't know what accurate those words were! Off I went to the lab and here is where things went sideways. I had to wait about 30 minutes for my blood work. During this time I had to dash not once but 6 times to the restroom in order to release the bleeding into the toilet! At this point I became a little concerned.

After they took my blood I returned to the clinic and sat down with the nurse. At first she explained that the shot wouldn't be ready for 1-2 hours and I could go home. Then, she looked at me and I could tell I didn't look good. "Perhaps, we should have you lay down in a room." I needed to go to the toilet (same story as above). This to the room, back to the toilet continued I don't know how many times. The nurse monitored the blood loss. She also checked the contents and told me, "This is not tissue, it is all blood clots." That is not good!

From here on it's a little hazy. From what I recall I was over the toilet hemorrhaging and the nurse was rubbing my back. Next thing more blood, cold sweat/hot needles, and I am out. I come to and feel absolutely like death. A total loss of control (much more so than in birthing my two children), numb and sensation all at the same time. Again, I faint. Now there are several bodies surrounding me and my own is betraying me. First the baby, now all my blood! I was later told that in the span of an hour I lost almost a liter of blood. The nurses and doctors must have put me in a stretcher because next I recall trying to pull my phone from my purse and hearing a voice (my own) say, "I have to call my husband." From not a patient, to outpatient, to emergency, to operating room to recovery, to day surgery - I would certainly have a tour of the hospital that day (although I wasn't conscious for most of it!) I was classified as high risk. As blood poured out of me they rushed me to Emergency. Another woman had been scheduled to have a D and C. She was stable, waiting. I was not. The operating room, the doctor and the team was all ready and prepared, I was to 'bump' her and it would be my body the next procedure would be preformed on that morning.

Everything went well. I escaped having a transfusion. I left a few hours later with a recovering uterus, a bruised hand (from the IV) and a bruised heart. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

What the "What to expect when you're expecting" books FAIL TO EXPLAIN is what to expect when we are no longer expecting. They fail to equip women with the tools, skills and resolve to withstand the pain and confusion associated with early pregnancy loss. The wider culture also basically ignores miscarriage. This silence hurts not only women, but the men in their lives who suffer silently because they know they are probably their partner's only support system. [Back to the trick/treat metaphor: When all this happened I was at the eve of 3 months. Coincidentally (see previous post) right at the 35th birthday.]

Miscarriage is a mystery. There is a list of potential "causes," but it appears thus far in my experience that no one is willing to point to the reason in individual cases. I was pregnancy THREE TIMES in 2008 and I have no babies!

With Devyn I could make not sense of it, but at least understand the event as something wrong with the baby. I didn't want a sick child; the baby wouldn't have been healthy - nature let it go. The second time around, it was different I felt it was more me, but the general me. I didn't locate the problem with my fertility or reproductive health, but rather general health. I wasn't ready (I convinced myself). With this one, I don't know where to even begin to wrap my head and heart around it. Obviously, the problem wasn't luteal phase defect. So, what was it? Why is this continuing to happen to me?

Now I want some answers. I am pleased so far that my doctor is treating my case differently now. With this third I cross an imaginary threshold whereby I qualify for investigation. After all the hormones are gone I am to begin a battery of blood work. Does it all come back to blood?!

... much more to say, feel and think on this, so the story will continue

Happy Birthday to ME!

2009-01-22T15:44:00.005-07:00

I turned 35 today! At 35 I have a three year old (whom I have affectionately called B2 here) and a 5 year old (who has taken on the moniker B1). Over coffee this morning my dad remarked, "3 and 5 at 35." My Dad was a high school math teacher and although he went on to spend decades in administration and is now a retired principal, numbers are in his heart. [Words are in mine] He went on to explain: "you will never again be 35 with your kids 3 and 5."

This comment came as no surprise. 35 years ago today - at 11:17 pm to be precise - I was born. My Mom was born on the 11th of January and my Dad the 17th of May. Even my younger brother, who would join us almost 4 years later, didn't have his own number -would arrive November 22nd. As if the Jan 22 at 11:17 wasn't enough - the year was 1974 and my Dad's birth year was 1947.

More on words and numbers to come...

A Day to Affirm Everything

2009-01-19T21:26:00.002-07:00

I love my children.
I love my husband.
I love my friends.
I love my professional opportunities.
I love my activism and community involvement.

I know there is much to have gratitude for. There is so much full in my life.

I want another child.

Why

2009-01-17T16:50:00.002-07:00

It's been said that "everything happens for a reason," and "there is always something positive that comes from negative experiences." When things happen in our lives beyond anything that we can control, far from any expectation that we have, and outside any possibility we ever wanted to entertain - how do we move on?

Are we as human beings really capable of resiliency, transcending horrific events and picking ourselves - our mixed up body/mind/soul pieces up off the floor and re-assembling ourselves into something that resembles what we were before the fall? Short answer - yes; well, sure (at least I know of people who seem to be doing it). Long answer... I think it really depends.

It must depend on our identities and how we choose to envision ourselves vis à via those who matter in our lives. As a mother I feel strongly, deeply, fully that my maternal core (albeit rocked by negative experiences) gets stronger, more capable, more powerful and far more something 'other' than I expected.

Is this so for all mothers? Could it be that it is not peculiar to maternal identity, but something about a core or central identity we as human beings adopt? Or, is there something particular or inherent or perhaps axiomatic to mothering that brings about this (should I call it an) ability?

When we are at our deepest, most saddened, and most at odds with our human experience, therein lies the possibility to connect closest with our spiritual selves, that 'thing' without thingness, that being without body or mind, that secular or religious soul. Simply - our core.

"A little brother always needs help sometimes"

2009-01-12T11:00:00.004-07:00

Reply: "I do." So sweet this morning the boys and I were colouring and stamping. Of course B2 was finished his "creation," much earlier than his meticulous older brother. Once complete, off he went. Upon my request for his return to clean up it was very clear that he was having trouble putting the stamps back in their case. B1 tried to show him how, but didn't do it for him. In no time the activity was all put away. It was then that B1 exclaimed: "A little brother always needs help sometimes."

I NEED a Klennex (R)... please Mama

2009-01-05T10:29:00.006-07:00

A refrain heard in our house probably one thousand, three hundred and sixty five times in the last 10 days. What ever happened to a tissue? This is week two of B2's cold, which did not slow him down at all! Anyway, are we that far gone into consumerism, commercialism, and every other product-based ism that children today know products only by brand name? Or, is Kimberly-Clark just a genius?

They OWN the word and have since the 1920s!

postscript:
The white cloth products used to wipe my three year old's nose were, in fact, Scotties tissues!

"Are you the boss of the family?"

2009-01-04T11:01:00.003-07:00

I recall several weeks ago B1 asked me, "Mom, are you the boss of the family?" I replied quickly, "No, your Dad and I are both in charge of this family equally." I also stated, though, "Mommy is the one who organizes everything." I like to think of myself as the heartbeat of the whole organization - the lifeblood if you will.

Hockey practice for B1 today 9:15-10:15 am - clearly written in my hand writing on the family calendar. Yet, there was a hockey practice Friday and a game yesterday, so I just figured there wasn't one this morning. DOAD asked me yesterday if there was a practice and I told him I didn't think so (according to my recollection anyway).

Off DOAD went to work this morning... oh, nope he looked at the calendar and saw, yes there was, in fact, a practice. Moments later I came downstairs, found this out (at 8:43 am!) and said, "OK, I'll take him" (B1 was, of course, still sound asleep). Being an assistant coach and a dad of all dads this was out of the question: "No, I'll take him," and he did.

Guilt? Regret? Shame? As the family organizer this was my responsibility to know that the practice was this morning and to ensure everyone was where they needed to be - to orchestrate it all. Was I so irresponsible?

Being solely in charge of organizing this kind of stuff (the little and large of family life) is a considerable task!

I am so thankful that I do not have to bare the brunt of facilitating and undertaking each family detail alone.

DOAD is the HOAH too!

Hope

2008-12-31T11:37:00.004-07:00

Hope is a belief, not a thought. Hope is believing in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. It is feeling like what we want we can have. It is the feeling that things will turn out for the best. Hope is sometimes wishing for something or someone.

Hopefulness is sometimes confused with optimism, which is actually a 'mind' state, not a 'feeling' state. Hope is emotional whereas optimism is intellectual. Optimism involves reaching a conclusion after deliberate thoughts that bring about positive attitudes (according to Wikepedia anyway!).

When we are confronted with things we cannot control, we can attempt to think and think and think about it, but that changes nothing - cannot alter whatever outcome is to come. As a mom, this is very difficult to accept. For me, anyway, I want to direct, and orchastrate as much as possible. Yet, when the uncertain becomes our certainty, is it possible to give in to hope and the faith that what we will will be and that is what is the result we actually need?

Hoping...

Post Christmas - Revisiting Memories

2008-12-29T09:47:00.005-07:00

My kids thoroughly enjoyed our special Christmas morning, which didn't end until around 1 pm. Unlike when I was a child if either one of them wanted to open the packaging and play with a new toy, we said, "sure." I recall growing up Christmas gift unwrapping was very organized; not quite militaristic, but almost. My younger brother and I were given the task of assembling a pile in front of each party with their gifts (which included my Dad, Mom, Grandpa, Nana, my brother and me). Once the gifts were properly in place the adults began, beginning with the oldest. One after the other, followed by a thank-you and a hug. Finally, it was our turn. We alternated. No sooner was the item visible and I recall the other person being told to start opening. There was no time for discovering the ins and outs of the gift; that would have to be saved for later. Once the festivities were complete (approximately 1-2 hours later) my Mom and Grandpa began to cook breakfast (which was always delicious). Here I would start to place the gifts under the tree to admire all our good fortune. Within minutes, though, I would be asked to take my gifts up to my room. Later than day other than the tree still standing there would be no evidence of what went on there that morning. I have no resentment. Rather, just a strong reason for wanting something else for my own family.

I remember wanting to explore, to pause, to play and now want to give my children that opportunity. So, Christmas morning was a relaxed process of gift opening and playing, hugs and kisses, memories made. We stopped and had breakfast after the kids examined what Santa had left. Once all the kids' gifts were opened it was our turn! I will admit that they paid far more attention to their new favorite things than their Mom and Dad opening their gifts. Really, what else would you expect (or want) for 3 and 5 year old boys?

What great memories! So, while some things like new underwear and clothing we have already worn made their way upstairs over the past couple of days, there remains much evidence of Christmas morning - from stickers and games to books and toys. Some are under the tree, while others are being played with right now! "Would you read this book to me please, Mom," B1 asks. How can I say no?

Baby strollers - from obvious purchase to desparate need

2008-12-20T15:38:00.005-07:00

Can you imagine not being able to afford a baby stroller? Now consider it being winter, -25 degrees C and attempting to lug your babe through the snow over your shoulder. This is a reality for far too many young moms in Edmonton, Alberta Canada. See Lack of wheels stalls mobility

I organized my book club - full of generous mothers who all made the obvious purchase of a stroller for their own children over the past 5 years - to get involved donating strollers to young moms in desperate need.

Are there other ways to help?

Can we talk about that at breakfast tomorrow?

2008-12-19T21:36:00.001-07:00

Mom, B1 says to me as I am tucking him in for bed this evening, "When people pass away and grow, is it always the same Santa Claus?"

"That is an excellent, smart question, you've asked, " I reply. "Can we talk about that at breakfast tomorrow?"

Luckily, he said YES.

Embrace

2008-12-17T19:49:00.001-07:00

Embrace

What does it mean to embrace?

To embrace a child, a spouse, a friend
To embrace an idea, a thought, a viewpoint?

[From the French "embracer," en- + brace pair of arms — more at brace. I like the metaphor of arms around, encircling something one loves.]

To cherish a child, a spouse, a friend
Hug

To welcome
To take part in
Be part of

... something larger than ourselves!

"You are the best Mama I Ever Had"

2008-12-13T17:08:00.002-07:00

B2 has taken to letting me know how much I mean to him, by saying, "you are the best Mama I ever had!" How sweet, right? Darling, indeed.

More recently, I have been hearing, "You are the best Koala I ever had" (he told the new webkins he received from Santa at his pre-school Christmas party)... " "You are the best Teacher I ever had" (to his pre-school teacher)... "This is the best bed I ever had" (one night last week he told me)... and "This is my best coat. It is the best coat I ever had!"

Patience

2008-12-05T17:09:00.004-07:00

It has always bothered me when people say, "calm down." This seems to fit here, as I write about patience. What does it mean to have patience? Patience with our children; patience with ourselves. Perhaps patience is not the ability to withstand the wait, but the acknowledgment that now is not waiting for something later, but now is where we are at. I don't mean NOW in the Eckhart Tolle sense of the maxim, but now in the present sense of what processes are occurring for us in our more immediate frame of reference.

This is very difficult for a (reformed) perfectionist, a mother of two boys under 6 years, tenured professor and (wanna-be) marathon runner to grasp.

One dictionary I consulted had the word 'calm' as a synonym for patience. Not something I am routinely characterized by friends or family, yet something with which I do hope I can self identify. If calm is something to strive for, a quest for tranquility (i.e. found in a hour alone in the shower, a day at the spa, a run, a coffee with a friend), then it may not be now, but later (and for many moms - much, much later) where we find it.

What if calm is to be found in moments - immediate ones and future ones. Moments we take to decompress, to have our own "time outs," to reflect on the past or to look fondly on some future.

Perhaps patience is not so much the willingness to wait, but the acceptance in where we are. Sometimes we are moving so fast we forget that in search of something else or something later we may be missing the rewarding, "calm" moments given to us now.

I am reminded of the present as gift common truism. What if each moment (even when water is everywhere it is not supposed to be at bath time) really was "for" us, as if wrapped and placed carefully under our Christmas tree? What am I making of this moment? Regardless, the others are sure to follow.

Grow

2008-12-01T20:50:00.002-07:00

Nature
To nurture
To nourish
To tend to
Cultivate-
Potential

Mothers grow.
Mothers are grown.

Seeds we sow. Seeds we need
To nourish
...Ourselves
To nurture
... Our bodies
Sustain Souls

Natural process
Nature's way
Expand
Evolve
Explain?

Development.
Maturity.
Blossom.

Mothers who thrive -
To thrive in motherhood
Mothers and children who grow together
Children who nurture their mothers

Spring up.... way up
Raise. Raise kids.
To come into existence - to sprout, like a seed
To allow growth, To allow

Grow into
Grow out of
Grow up

To become
Believe.

Stay Positive

2008-11-30T12:21:00.002-07:00

I am positive today. I just need to stay that way. Keep calm. Relax. Don't let little things frustrate me. Be happy. Smile.

Oh, so easy to write it all down!

... something new...

2008-11-28T19:30:00.003-07:00

B1 says to me, "Mom, we should learn something new everyday. Yes, I learned to colour in the lines from the outside in."

So sweet. The 'technique' I suggested yesterday when we were colouring he considers "something new."

Funny moment after dinner. DOAD nicknamed B1 monkey soon after he was born. More recently he has taken to calling him "macaco" [prounouced - ma-Ka-cow], Portuguese for monkey. Anyway, DOAD - noting B1 was sitting ON the kitchen table, asked him, "What are you doing?" Without missing a beat he replied, "Macacking Around!"

Parent-Student-Teacher Interviews... oh my!?

2008-11-26T11:52:00.002-07:00

Today we have parent-student-teacher interviews for the first time for B1. It is really exciting to formally begin this "joint responsibility" in my child's learning. Who am I kidding?

To what extent are we really informed, engaged and fully aware of what happens in our child(ren)'s classrooms? We have 15 minutes allotted for our child. Do I have too many questions? Not the 'right' ones? What role does the student have in all this? If it is student led, then, after we are finished getting a Kindergartener's eye view of the classroom, will there only be 2-3 minutes left for my questions and concerns? Will I find out more about who my child is at school?

Will I walk away satisfied with my role in this so-called sharing initiative? Will my son? What of DOAD?

As you can see, I have more questions than answers on this one!

All Children Matter - National Children's Day Assembly

2008-11-23T11:45:00.003-07:00

B1 co-wrote this song with me!

The Myths Children Believe

2008-11-22T12:56:00.007-07:00

A post I read on Writing Maternity about the ways our children's education reinforces myths and stereotypes, which moved me to make the following comment:

This is a very insightful post! I also really enjoyed reading about Geeky Mom's 13th son. In my experience (so far) raising two boys (now 5 and 3) I continually confront "opportunities" to reinforce or challenge myths and stereotypes about masculinity and boy culture, inequality, racism and so much else. Living in Canada and being a Sociologist I am deeply concerned that my own children (who receive the cold comfort and warmth of white privilege) recognize the various ways the First Nations or Aboriginal peoples have been historically and still today been exploited, alienated, and excluded. I am heartened that like many of us whose elementary educations masked Canada's colonial past (and present) there are young people today who are able to use these omissions in their own education to now question what they see going on today.

B1s class is currently doing a unit on "Fairies and Fairytales." This concerns me less after participating in the above discussion. Thoughts? ...

You should be teaching school age students, not adults!

2008-11-21T17:01:00.003-07:00

One of the other mother's after the Assembly commented that I "should be teaching school age students, not adults." It was, in fact, a compliment. It makes me think about what I do in my "adult" classroom and what I could learn from a "child" one!

Yet, perhaps some of the lessons I need to reinforce are the very ones I want to teach in my sons.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.
These are the things I learned:

* Share everything.
* Play fair.
* Don't hit people.
* Put things back where you found them.
* Clean up your own mess.
* Don't take things that aren't yours.
* Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
* Wash your hands before you eat.
* Flush.
* Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
* Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
* Take a nap every afternoon.
* When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
* Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
* Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
* And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum.

Proud Mama

2008-11-21T10:21:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was National Child Day, a day to honour and celebrate all children over the world. On November 20th 1989 the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child was born. I was so fortunate to be able to participate in an Assembly held at my son's school in recognition of what in our house has become known as 'all children matter' day. B1s Kindergarten class sang a song he and I co-wrote of the same name. It was absolutely thrilling to be able to get involved not directly as an academic or activist, but as a Mom. It will be a day I will never forget. Please reassure me that his 5 year old brain (which holds on amazingly to pieces of information from the past DOAD or I forget) will retain these special times!

I publicly promised to show him everyday how much he is loved. Now I am accountable beyond my own desire and devotion as a mother.

A, B, C, ...

2008-11-19T18:24:00.002-07:00

The "I Can" statement for November in B1's Kindergarten class is "I can print the letters of the Alphabet in both upper and lower case." I thought he was doing really well with this until a story he shared today that goes a little something like this...

I didn't finish my workbook so I worked on it during "Centers." [Oh, so you finished it then?] No, I will be finished once I cut everything out. [Are other students not done yet?] No, everyone is finished. [So while you were working all the other kids were playing at Centers?] Yes. [Well, I guess it just took you a little longer this time]. Actually, there are lots of time I don't quite finish my work.... continues

So, here is my issue. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. How can I get him to do this? We have worked on printing a through d for the last - 75 minutes! D's are NOT done yet?!?!?!

Does this sound like a frustrated mother? [rhetorical]

Input and ideas from those Mothers further along in the parent of school age process. Please?

Who are you outside this classroom?

2008-11-18T19:52:00.002-07:00

I asked my students, "who are you outside this classroom?" Can of worms... opened! They shared revealing and heart wrenching stories about loss, friendship, family, disease, addiction, recovery, war, family violence, pets etc. In theory, there is continuing/consistency and fluidity in "who and what I am," although today the practice was a lot harder than I expected. Telling little anecdotes are one thing, what to do when students give me and their classmates a more deep window into their lives - quite another?