I am struggling with writing this paper. It is not that I have nothing to say about being an academic or about being a mother! Rather, I find myself unwilling to commit even in draft form to my take on it as I feel I am currently occupying the / space between - neither wholly doing motherhood, nor my academic position the best (or even close to) that I can. Perhaps this has something to do with being in the third trimester and wondering what it will be like to have another baby in our house, or maybe it has more to do with the end of term and the exhaustion that comes with it. Regardless, I find myself having so much difficulty just 'doing' what it is that makes me both - being with my kids, being with my students/colleagues; playing and having fun, writing and teaching etc.
In theory it seems so much easier to find a balance between these roles than it is in practice. I am so drawn back home when I am at work, yet wonder whether a part of me will be missing when I am only at home. At the same time, I find my thoughts drift to things at work I have not done when I should be simply enjoying time with my kids. Is this uncertainty that I am doing the right thing the consistency that I can expect as I try to negotiate being both a mother and an academic AT THE SAME TIME?!
A balance? I think not!
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