Days after The Day

How am I? Not an easy question to answer. I have now moved beyond disbelief that something was wrong with my little baby and am now anticipating my D and C on Friday. Can't ever know what was wrong, but obviously something was that s/he didn't/couldn't survive. Physically it is difficult because my body is continuing to respond as if the pregnancy is, yet for me my body feels like a wasteland. I hope I feel differently after the surgery.

I love this baby, even though s/he didn't get a chance to be born. I believe there is another one sometime coming. I just can't know when. I have hope.

The Day That Changed Everything

If you could "crack that code" a few posts back I mentioned something about not being ready to share an important piece of information. I wish this was the post to pass on some delightful news. Unfortunately, it becomes the plea for support, advice and solace because I discovered today at my early dates ultrasound that my 11 week pregnancy has miscarried!

I am devastated and hope other mothers will share with me their stories and how they have handled dealing with the loss of a baby. My body, though, still thinks I am pregnant and although I am told the fetus lost its heart beat at 7 weeks, here I am "otherwise assumed pregnant." Had I not gone today nothing would have seemed wrong. So what now? I am told to wait one week to 10 days and hopefully my body will expel everything naturally. I had a pregnancy test only Tuesday which indicated a high level of hormone, so it all seems so unreal! Another option I have is drugs to induce the process or ultimately a D and C. This baby was/is so loved. My four year old has been so patient waiting until I gave him the go ahead to share "our little secret."

I have two beautiful boys, whom I love more than life itself. How can I still be the Mom I should be for them without being consumed with sadness, guilt, confusion and despair?

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