Mother Academic - first installment "Mother?"

Being a mother academic implies merging two (separate?) identities and social positions - mother and academic. Perhaps in considering what it means to be a mother academic and how one may inform the other I'd best begin with considering the meaning I give to each as separate entities - even if on a day-to-day basis they merge and conflict, and are experienced both at the same time.

Mother. I've been on this quest to find out how other mothers make sense of their maternal identity, but haven't given myself the indulgence (or requirement) to unpack the meaning of mother for myself. It became very clear to me how important this is in very practical terms, when I asked myself a really tough question this morning. I had some frustration lately when it comes to the role I play in my oldest son's life. Specifically, I want to help him "be the best he can be." I wonder, though, WHAT am I doing toward this end? This bring me to the larger question at hand - what does it mean for me to be his mother?

Above all else? It is love. It's inspiration, adoration and hope. When I think about our bond I really feel connected to, a key part of and integral to another's life journey. This is empowering. Expressions of my love (I hope) can be found in the encouragement, nourishment and enrichment I strive to provide in each of his days. What we together do so well is hugs and kisses, a special smile, manners and courtesies. Where I think I fall short is in the practical specifics: 1) what to say and do when it appears he isn't trying his best at hockey; 2) how to respond when he seems disinterested in doing more than a minimum required with home reading; 3) how to engage him and ignite a spark in him - a passion that he intrinsically wants to pursue.

This child has always seemed to be "into" something. First it was all about construction and building things (ala Bob the Builder), then it was climate and everything weather related (i.e. Tornados and hurricanes), after that came dinosaurs and an interest in paleontology. Somewhere along the way he seemed to stop asking so many questions - why?

What role do I play in all this? Looking back, we got him the construction stuff, we read him stories about climate change and weather patterns, we visited museums etc. Now, I guess I am having so much trouble putting my finger on what is driving him - exciting him and making him wonder. This from a kid who several people have commented on is so curious, inquisitive and articulate? Is it me that he just can't articulate it to?

If he says, "I love hockey," as his Mom should I just believe him at his word. I find this so hard to do when I see an attitude of nonchalance, an almost indifference that would seem (at least from his effort) that he could take it or leave it. Then, he goes and selects Hockey for his grade one 'passion project'?!!

I guess what I am observing is a lack of willingness to push himself outside of his comfort zone. He's good, fine, getting by. But, the next level would require the kind of effort and engagement that I think he might be scared of. I don't think it's a fear of failure because so far the stakes are pretty low (e.g. at school it doesn't matter that he's reading at an L level, B or C would be acceptable; or, at hockey they don't keep score and everyone gets a trophy or medal just for showing up). So, if it's not that he could fail, perhaps it has something to do with a lack of incentive. He's likely too young to accept that hard work is good for hard work's sake, a value or attribute to honour. Rather, he isn't "jacked" enough to want to try any harder than he has to. Sure, a goal is nice - but if I can get one waiting for the puck to be open and pop it in just outside the net, then, why should I try to take it from the other team and skate hard down the ice and risk wasting all that effort and it might not go in? Again, I ask... where do I fit in this?

As encourager, perhaps I am encouraging this almost indifferent attitude. Perhaps I need to re-consider myself in different terms. I aspire to inspire my students (I guess I am already getting into the academic part), and in theory want to inspire my children. Perhaps, though, especially when they are this young I need to be more direct, planned and explicit about what I want to inspire - hard work, caring about his role in the team or class, giving everything he has, holding nothing back. Does he really know what any of these things mean?

Do I need to take on more of a coaching role here? If I was to envision how mother as coach could look like, what would that mean? Obviously, there is instruction there, leading by example etc. But, this doesn't resonate with me. Coaching is often situated within the context of organized and team sports. This is not something that I have a lot of experience in. Sure, I played volleyball in high school and softball during childhood, but I have no fond (and very few for that matter) coaching memories. The only coaches I actually remember were the ones I had when I participated in competitive gymnastics (grades 6 through 10). I do remember their names, Ron and Tara. This will require a little departure down memory lane... Out of 4-5 groups the elite of our club, those selected to be in Ron's group, considered (and considered themselves) number one. Tara's Group (as we were called) came second. I recall that Ron was abrasive, pushy and very intense. If he was leading our warm up and caught any of us girls talking the punishment was "more conditioning drills" (repetitive stop and starts like running then push ups, or hanging from a bar and pulling our legs to our head as many times as we could). Tara's style was a little more personable, she'd talk to us and encourage us with "you can do it" often. Yet, I don't remember really looking up to them as role models, as people I wanted to emulate. I didn't aspire to be like them.

I do have mentors, though. There have been women and men in my life who have inspired me. What do they have in common? They have loved and supported me, but also challenged me to get outside of my comfort zone. They have been individuals who saw something in me before I saw it in myself. I think I am starting to have more clarity when it comes to B1 now. Perhaps I am trying to get him to see something in himself that he just can't see. Maybe I am going about this all wrong. Rather than ask him or wait for him to tell me, "I am passionate about X. I want to try to get better at Y", I need to be the one looking more closely at who he is right now and what he's expressing. Then I can provide him with a safe space to explore these aspects of himself. Rather than pushing something from outside I need to be listening more closely and observing with a keen eye to what is making him smile, ask questions, and want to learn more about.

So, what is being a mother? It is being creative and versatile. Re-inventing your approach and your goals if they are not suiting the situation any longer. Mothering is a process; work-in-progress, never-ending, full-time position/identity.

..... To be Continued...