DOAD

Haven't said much about DOAD lately. I want to thank him for seeing through to my core in this time of struggle - for assisting me, supporting me and giving me utter kindness and compassion.

Thank you - your two boys have a remarkably Dad (hence - Dad of All Dads!)

What do you need from me?

As I laid down this evening next to B1 I looked at that sweet, young face and thought WOW you are mine! What a responsibility I have for and to this growing being. I asked, "What do you need from Mommy?" Without a beat, he replied: "Love, [short pause] care." He looked around and then up at me, "There is one more thing." "Is it support?" I asked. Ignoring his mother [as only kids can], "to teach me things, he explained proudly. "Do I do these things for you?" (I had to ask?!) "Mommy, you sure do!" Wow! I must be doing something right.

I had an occasion today to share the story (see previous posts) about the woman and her mentor with a student who confided in me a difficult, unexpected situation she has found herself in recently. It was really great being able to pass on something that helped me so much in my own struggle to another woman (and given she is 14 years my junior, I felt proud to be like the mentor in the story).

Feeling like Someone Else

I seem to have these moments where there is a glimmer of my former self. It goes away, quickly. Then, I feel like I am being hit by a truck - I am reminded of what happened, of what is happening. I move on. I seem to go through some routine motions. I am back at work. I am laughing with friends. I am enjoying my two beautiful sons. Yet, all the while I am thinking about, or feeling this missing part. It haunts me. DOD is so understanding, but at the same time how much can I expect. The process of grief seems so different for each of us. I can't even take my maternity clothes out of my closet.

It is so odd I feel far removed, yet more inside myself than ever before. I feel connected with some power outside myself, yet isolated at once. Is this the "new normal" I keep hearing about? Perhaps this intermediary zone is where I am now, not where I was before but not quite where I am going to end up.

Indeed, (see previous post) I am not at the end.

Angel Baby

I felt it was finally time (one week passed my D and C) to discuss what happened with our four and a half year old. We sat him down and asked him if he had realized that Mommy has been sad lately. He said, "yeah." Well, I said "the baby that we were planning on having will not be coming to live with us and be a part of our family." "Instead, we are having an angel baby. This one will be a part of our hearts, our guardian angel watching over us in heaven." He said, "I don't want us to have another angel baby, Mommy." Soon thereafter he said "now can I watch the video?" Kids!? At bedtime, though, with tears he asked, "Why did we get an angel baby?"

Earlier today I had a wonderful visit with a few girlfriends that lifted my spirits. I want to pass along a short story one close friend shared with me (she heard it just today on the radio) - though I have taken some literary license.

There was a young woman talking to her mentor.

Her mentor told her that “in the end it will be okay”.

“But what if it isn’t okay” asked the young woman.

“Then you have not arrived at the end” responded her mentor.

Yes, it is going to be okay.

The Boy That Always Makes Me Smile

My hb took my boys grocery shopping and I stayed back, since I am supposed to be recovering from surgery. I got a call from our cell phone and it was B1, my darling four year old at the other end. He said, "Mommy, I really love you!" He went on, "I want to talk to you about something... I love you more than the funnest game!" What a sweetheart! There is joy amidst sadness.