Mother/Work

Ever find yourself crossing that proverbial bridge before you arrive at the river? I have been accepted to two academic conferences in May. In both instances I have the opportunity to discuss the raw maternal moments of the last several months. I am thrilled as an academic and as Mama, PhD, but this presents challenges to me simply as a Mom. That is to suggest that my being away from home and family for the better part of two different weeks raises the question, "Who will care for my children while I am away?" [DOAD, of course]

Actually, being an academic himself he too is planning on being away in May. As life would have it there will be overlap and conflict in our travel plans. Playing neurotic, organizing, determined NOT to let this become an issue upon realizing this rendering of events Mom, I attempted (desperately?) to "fix" things. Dramatically reaching out to colleagues, to friends, to conference organizers (?!)... etc.

DOAD, even being the most understanding and accessible father that he is took a much different approach: "We'll work it out." One reading would have this as a much more rational and realistic response to this situation. Another (maternally inclined one) would point to the differential experience of parenting. Mothers mother. Fathers father. To what extent is the minutia of details and concerns I seem to fret with simply my own insecurities or rather how much of this comes from the mama mandate meets the ideal worker syndrome crashes against the demands of the academy? Perhaps, it is a little of all of that.

Can I ask you something?

I said to B1 tonight while we were cuddling before bed, "Can I ask you something?" He said, "Mom, you can ask me anything." I continued, "If you could change anything about me, what would it be?" He said, "NOTHING!" I said, "It's ok to tell me something... maybe there's something I could do better as your Mom."

"Well, next time we have kiwis, you could give me some more. I really like them!"

Smile.

Life and Family: Family Life

My Life
So messy and untidy
Not neatly divided,
as my Mothers' appeared to be

Separate spheres?
Work [and] Family
Family, then Work
Totalizing, enveloping each of them
Reconcile - reconciling?

The overlap,
no separation
I'd lie if I called it integration
Domestic Life. Academic Life

My Life
My Life

This poem I post in honour of Family Day, an Alberta holiday to celebrate families. Today we are going to see a play called Apples and Oranges... more to come on this later!

A Metaphor For More?

"I have bouggers!"
"Mom, I need a Kleenex."
"There's mucous!"


Any way B2 says it, this means that every few minutes he needs me to wipe his cold stuck little nose. Is this simply wiping his nose or it this constant need for Mom indicative of something greater, suggestive of something more?

Each moment he is taking me away from reading a new book called Mama PhD. It occurs to me my maternal self and my academic self may not be that separate after all. I go upstairs, I wipe his nose, then I return to the narrative of another mama academic.

Perhaps my academic self is always being pulled in the direction of my maternal self. But, what do I make of the opposite process, which I feel sometimes, when my maternal self is pulled in the direction of my academic self?

Or... maybe it is just wiping a kid's nose!

... And, again I hear, "Mom, I need a KLEEEEEEEEEEEeeneX!

Adversity and/or Opportunity

I received a gift on my recent birthday from a couple of friends, Robin Sharma's Daily Inspiration (from the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari). The excerpt for my birthday is as follows:

The most joyful, dynamic and contented people in this world are no different from you or me in terms of their makeup. We are all flesh and bones. We all come from the same universal source. However, the ones who do more than just exist, the ones who fan the flames of their human potential and truly savour the magical dance of life, do different things than those whose lives are ordinary. Foremost among the things that they do is adopt a positive paradigm about their world and all that is in it. Where others see adversity, they see opportunity (2007, January 22 entry, no page).

Makes me think...

Is it simply that I choose how these natal experiences will affect me, impact me, define me? Is it really a case that my positive paradigm can someone transform this adverse experience that has happened to me into an opportunity to become something more, someone greater than I was before?

A friend asked me recently, "How are you feeling now?" A seemingly simple question to which I really had no reply. She queried further, "Are you stunned?" "Yes, I am stunned." What did I mean by this? I think that I am both shocked and amazed - shocked that this has happened (three times, no charm) and amazed at how incredibly normal everything else seems. I am amazed that I haven't fallen apart. My friend continued, "You know, had you not tried for a third you would not have gone through any of this." This observation is loaded with meaning. It suggests to me that there is much in this to learn from, to grow from, to understand, to appreciate? To return to the Sharma quotation, "where others see adversity, they see opportunity," and ponder this for a moment... (and I welcome others interpretations)

My students can tell you that I resist and challenge dichotomous thinking (it is up or down, right or wrong, truth or falsehood etc.). I don't think in this case it is a matter of either adversity or opportunity. If I think this is an opportunity I deny the reality of the pain, frustration, and sadness associated with
losing another baby. Yet, if I think of this as an adverse event I then close off any possibilities to learn, grow, or use this experience in my life to take ownership and control over the situation. Rather, I am trying to view this whole thing as neither bad nor good, but as BOTH adversity and opportunity. In other words, it is not a question of closure or opening, but rather a closure IS an opening.

Hey, I wouldn't have enjoyed that glass of red wine last night had I been expecting! I wouldn't have enjoyed running (and stopping to walk!) this morning had I been expecting! I wouldn't be wearing such tight jeans (hhm... )

In all seriousness, I wouldn't have been able to truly appreciate why I want to have another turn at pregnancy and motherhood (that is a post for another time!).

Update

1. D.O.A.D (dad of all dads). DOAD has been at work a lot lately. I don't blame him, resent it, or say this to complain. I just find myself answering the question, "Where's Daddy?" a lot more with "He's at work." I notice, though, that the more he is away the more he offers to us when he is home. I am very fortunate to have this amazing man to call my husband.

2. B1 and B2. Let's start with the ugly. Well, that was more for emphasis, there really is no ugly, but there is a lot of confusion! B1 has been frustrating us considerably when it comes to playing hockey. Perhaps I should re-phrase that with at hockey because one of our concerns is that he is out for a figure skate whist his teammates attempt to put a black puck into a red net. It seems like so much comes so easy to him that putting in the effort to learn the new skills involved in participating in hockey doesn't seem necessary to him. What's a (hockey) mom to do? Practice again today... we'll see what happens. B2 has been frustrating us considerably with his insistence on coming into our bed (see post My 2.5 Year Old Won't Stay in Bed). Isn't he 3 now??? How come I have let this continue for so long? Is there something in this I enjoy?

Otherwise, these two gems delight my world and I am grateful each day for getting to be their "Mom," (B1) and "Mama" (B2).

3. Dog. R is back to her bone head self again! And... only $150.00 later! I took her yesterday to our local off leash area and she went crazy running around in the heaps and piles of SNOW. Of course the other dog owners gushed over this gorgeous shrimp of a 4.5 year old golden retriever. Ah... dogs!

4. Work. Professionally, some new and exciting things are coming my way, which I am keen to write about (later). I guess this blog has been more about my mom life lately! More to come soon...

5. Body. Next question.

6. Other. Spent this morning supervising B1 write out Valentines for his Kindergarten class. Very sweet, actually. I asked him if he wanted to put two heart stickers on a couple special (girl) friends (one neighbour and one team mate) and he replied:, "Yes! Ah, no, that would not be fair."

Competing with "Marley" for the World's Worst Dog Title

My most recent doctor's appointment wasn't for me... it was for my 4.5 year old golden retriever. As if life hadn't thrown me enough to handle lately I spent yesterday stressed out about our canine family member. "I hope R won't die," B1 says casually while taking his bath!

In the summer of 2007 one July day our little "food" hound got into the contents of our bathroom garbage. Ingesting paper products and whatever else we had tossed in there (obviously) didn't agree with her system! 4 hours in surgery, two night stay at the animal hospital, meds, recovery, etc. and all of a sudden we weren't going to Hawaii. Nope, we were left with a $7, 000.00 bill for a dog we had paid $750.00 for. She was so young and it all happened so fast, we hadn't even discussed this sort of thing yet: What else could we do but say, "go ahead with whatever she needs."

You can imagine the nightmarish visions I had when my dog starts vomiting and stops pooping. I cannot go down this road again!

I called the vet and initially we were told to leave her there and they would check her out and run some tests. The bill? $700.00. On second thought, "can I bring her back later today?"

Back we came and the vet was able to dislodge something from her rectum and voila - the culprit. Or, as the vet cautioned, part of it. A couple hundred dollars and a healthy dog at the end - now that I can handle.

We left with instructions to feed her every hour, but only a tablespoon of special fiber enhanced formula dog food. So, last night - every hour on the hour - there I was giving our dog her ration. It didn't take long to notice that she was very, very interested in food again.

This morning I was greeted with our hype case of a pet. I took her outside. Pee? Check. Anything else? Would she? Is everything cleared? Is it all over? I watch her prance back and forth, forth and back [taking her usual sweet time to find the perfect spot upon which to release the contents of her bowels]... and
Defecation! Yes, I recall only being so pleased to see poop as when B1 had jaundice and we were monitoring his every stomach gurgle.

Oh, what we do for those we love!

Double Life? (or multiplicitous me)

Can I really be this woman who continues to go to work, who volunteers in her son's classroom, who is attempting a new workout routine, who laughs at dinner with friends, who reads to her children, who caresses her husband, who walks her dog, ...etc who - by all appearances can balance work and family - while at the same time be a woman who is suffering the unspeakable grief of early pregnancy loss? Am I she and her? Where is the dividing line between the continued joys and celebration of my motherhood and my family AND the termination of plans, hopes, expectations and new beginnings for a new baby? Am I leading a double life - one characterized by pain and anger, the other full of life, love, and "new" (albeit different than what was planned) beginnings? Or, is it alright to see BOTH adversity and opportunity in my recent maternal experiences and wider life?