Hope

Hope is a belief, not a thought. Hope is believing in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. It is feeling like what we want we can have. It is the feeling that things will turn out for the best. Hope is sometimes wishing for something or someone.

Hopefulness is sometimes confused with optimism, which is actually a 'mind' state, not a 'feeling' state. Hope is emotional whereas optimism is intellectual. Optimism involves reaching a conclusion after deliberate thoughts that bring about positive attitudes (according to Wikepedia anyway!).

When we are confronted with things we cannot control, we can attempt to think and think and think about it, but that changes nothing - cannot alter whatever outcome is to come. As a mom, this is very difficult to accept. For me, anyway, I want to direct, and orchastrate as much as possible. Yet, when the uncertain becomes our certainty, is it possible to give in to hope and the faith that what we will will be and that is what is the result we actually need?

Hoping...

Post Christmas - Revisiting Memories

My kids thoroughly enjoyed our special Christmas morning, which didn't end until around 1 pm. Unlike when I was a child if either one of them wanted to open the packaging and play with a new toy, we said, "sure." I recall growing up Christmas gift unwrapping was very organized; not quite militaristic, but almost. My younger brother and I were given the task of assembling a pile in front of each party with their gifts (which included my Dad, Mom, Grandpa, Nana, my brother and me). Once the gifts were properly in place the adults began, beginning with the oldest. One after the other, followed by a thank-you and a hug. Finally, it was our turn. We alternated. No sooner was the item visible and I recall the other person being told to start opening. There was no time for discovering the ins and outs of the gift; that would have to be saved for later. Once the festivities were complete (approximately 1-2 hours later) my Mom and Grandpa began to cook breakfast (which was always delicious). Here I would start to place the gifts under the tree to admire all our good fortune. Within minutes, though, I would be asked to take my gifts up to my room. Later than day other than the tree still standing there would be no evidence of what went on there that morning. I have no resentment. Rather, just a strong reason for wanting something else for my own family.

I remember wanting to explore, to pause, to play and now want to give my children that opportunity. So, Christmas morning was a relaxed process of gift opening and playing, hugs and kisses, memories made. We stopped and had breakfast after the kids examined what Santa had left. Once all the kids' gifts were opened it was our turn! I will admit that they paid far more attention to their new favorite things than their Mom and Dad opening their gifts. Really, what else would you expect (or want) for 3 and 5 year old boys?

What great memories! So, while some things like new underwear and clothing we have already worn made their way upstairs over the past couple of days, there remains much evidence of Christmas morning - from stickers and games to books and toys. Some are under the tree, while others are being played with right now! "Would you read this book to me please, Mom," B1 asks. How can I say no?

Baby strollers - from obvious purchase to desparate need

Can you imagine not being able to afford a baby stroller? Now consider it being winter, -25 degrees C and attempting to lug your babe through the snow over your shoulder. This is a reality for far too many young moms in Edmonton, Alberta Canada. See Lack of wheels stalls mobility

I organized my book club - full of generous mothers who all made the obvious purchase of a stroller for their own children over the past 5 years - to get involved donating strollers to young moms in desperate need.

Are there other ways to help?

Can we talk about that at breakfast tomorrow?

Mom, B1 says to me as I am tucking him in for bed this evening, "When people pass away and grow, is it always the same Santa Claus?"

"That is an excellent, smart question, you've asked, " I reply. "Can we talk about that at breakfast tomorrow?"

Luckily, he said YES.

Embrace

Embrace

What does it mean to embrace?

To embrace a child, a spouse, a friend
To embrace an idea, a thought, a viewpoint?

[From the French "embracer," en- + brace pair of arms — more at brace. I like the metaphor of arms around, encircling something one loves.]

To cherish a child, a spouse, a friend
Hug

To welcome
To take part in
Be part of

... something larger than ourselves!

"You are the best Mama I Ever Had"

B2 has taken to letting me know how much I mean to him, by saying, "you are the best Mama I ever had!" How sweet, right? Darling, indeed.

More recently, I have been hearing, "You are the best Koala I ever had" (he told the new webkins he received from Santa at his pre-school Christmas party)... " "You are the best Teacher I ever had" (to his pre-school teacher)... "This is the best bed I ever had" (one night last week he told me)... and "This is my best coat. It is the best coat I ever had!"

Patience

It has always bothered me when people say, "calm down." This seems to fit here, as I write about patience. What does it mean to have patience? Patience with our children; patience with ourselves. Perhaps patience is not the ability to withstand the wait, but the acknowledgment that now is not waiting for something later, but now is where we are at. I don't mean NOW in the Eckhart Tolle sense of the maxim, but now in the present sense of what processes are occurring for us in our more immediate frame of reference.

This is very difficult for a (reformed) perfectionist, a mother of two boys under 6 years, tenured professor and (wanna-be) marathon runner to grasp.

One dictionary I consulted had the word 'calm' as a synonym for patience. Not something I am routinely characterized by friends or family, yet something with which I do hope I can self identify. If calm is something to strive for, a quest for tranquility (i.e. found in a hour alone in the shower, a day at the spa, a run, a coffee with a friend), then it may not be now, but later (and for many moms - much, much later) where we find it.

What if calm is to be found in moments - immediate ones and future ones. Moments we take to decompress, to have our own "time outs," to reflect on the past or to look fondly on some future.

Perhaps patience is not so much the willingness to wait, but the acceptance in where we are. Sometimes we are moving so fast we forget that in search of something else or something later we may be missing the rewarding, "calm" moments given to us now.

I am reminded of the present as gift common truism. What if each moment (even when water is everywhere it is not supposed to be at bath time) really was "for" us, as if wrapped and placed carefully under our Christmas tree? What am I making of this moment? Regardless, the others are sure to follow.

Grow

Nature
To nurture
To nourish
To tend to
Cultivate-
Potential

Mothers grow.
Mothers are grown.

Seeds we sow. Seeds we need
To nourish
...Ourselves
To nurture
... Our bodies
Sustain Souls

Natural process
Nature's way
Expand
Evolve
Explain?

Development.
Maturity.
Blossom.

Mothers who thrive -
To thrive in motherhood
Mothers and children who grow together
Children who nurture their mothers

Spring up.... way up
Raise. Raise kids.
To come into existence - to sprout, like a seed
To allow growth, To allow

Grow into
Grow out of
Grow up

To become
Believe.

Stay Positive

I am positive today. I just need to stay that way. Keep calm. Relax. Don't let little things frustrate me. Be happy. Smile.

Oh, so easy to write it all down!

... something new...

B1 says to me, "Mom, we should learn something new everyday. Yes, I learned to colour in the lines from the outside in."

So sweet. The 'technique' I suggested yesterday when we were colouring he considers "something new."

Funny moment after dinner. DOAD nicknamed B1 monkey soon after he was born. More recently he has taken to calling him "macaco" [prounouced - ma-Ka-cow], Portuguese for monkey. Anyway, DOAD - noting B1 was sitting ON the kitchen table, asked him, "What are you doing?" Without missing a beat he replied, "Macacking Around!"

Parent-Student-Teacher Interviews... oh my!?

Today we have parent-student-teacher interviews for the first time for B1. It is really exciting to formally begin this "joint responsibility" in my child's learning. Who am I kidding?

To what extent are we really informed, engaged and fully aware of what happens in our child(ren)'s classrooms? We have 15 minutes allotted for our child. Do I have too many questions? Not the 'right' ones? What role does the student have in all this? If it is student led, then, after we are finished getting a Kindergartener's eye view of the classroom, will there only be 2-3 minutes left for my questions and concerns? Will I find out more about who my child is at school?

Will I walk away satisfied with my role in this so-called sharing initiative? Will my son? What of DOAD?

As you can see, I have more questions than answers on this one!

All Children Matter - National Children's Day Assembly

B1 co-wrote this song with me!

The Myths Children Believe

A post I read on Writing Maternity about the ways our children's education reinforces myths and stereotypes, which moved me to make the following comment:

This is a very insightful post! I also really enjoyed reading about Geeky Mom's 13th son. In my experience (so far) raising two boys (now 5 and 3) I continually confront "opportunities" to reinforce or challenge myths and stereotypes about masculinity and boy culture, inequality, racism and so much else. Living in Canada and being a Sociologist I am deeply concerned that my own children (who receive the cold comfort and warmth of white privilege) recognize the various ways the First Nations or Aboriginal peoples have been historically and still today been exploited, alienated, and excluded. I am heartened that like many of us whose elementary educations masked Canada's colonial past (and present) there are young people today who are able to use these omissions in their own education to now question what they see going on today.

B1s class is currently doing a unit on "Fairies and Fairytales." This concerns me less after participating in the above discussion. Thoughts? ...

You should be teaching school age students, not adults!

One of the other mother's after the Assembly commented that I "should be teaching school age students, not adults." It was, in fact, a compliment. It makes me think about what I do in my "adult" classroom and what I could learn from a "child" one!

Yet, perhaps some of the lessons I need to reinforce are the very ones I want to teach in my sons.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.
These are the things I learned:

* Share everything.
* Play fair.
* Don't hit people.
* Put things back where you found them.
* Clean up your own mess.
* Don't take things that aren't yours.
* Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
* Wash your hands before you eat.
* Flush.
* Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
* Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
* Take a nap every afternoon.
* When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
* Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
* Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
* And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum.

Proud Mama

Yesterday was National Child Day, a day to honour and celebrate all children over the world. On November 20th 1989 the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child was born. I was so fortunate to be able to participate in an Assembly held at my son's school in recognition of what in our house has become known as 'all children matter' day. B1s Kindergarten class sang a song he and I co-wrote of the same name. It was absolutely thrilling to be able to get involved not directly as an academic or activist, but as a Mom. It will be a day I will never forget. Please reassure me that his 5 year old brain (which holds on amazingly to pieces of information from the past DOAD or I forget) will retain these special times!

I publicly promised to show him everyday how much he is loved. Now I am accountable beyond my own desire and devotion as a mother.

A, B, C, ...

The "I Can" statement for November in B1's Kindergarten class is "I can print the letters of the Alphabet in both upper and lower case." I thought he was doing really well with this until a story he shared today that goes a little something like this...

I didn't finish my workbook so I worked on it during "Centers." [Oh, so you finished it then?] No, I will be finished once I cut everything out. [Are other students not done yet?] No, everyone is finished. [So while you were working all the other kids were playing at Centers?] Yes. [Well, I guess it just took you a little longer this time]. Actually, there are lots of time I don't quite finish my work.... continues

So, here is my issue. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. How can I get him to do this? We have worked on printing a through d for the last - 75 minutes! D's are NOT done yet?!?!?!

Does this sound like a frustrated mother? [rhetorical]

Input and ideas from those Mothers further along in the parent of school age process. Please?

Who are you outside this classroom?

I asked my students, "who are you outside this classroom?" Can of worms... opened! They shared revealing and heart wrenching stories about loss, friendship, family, disease, addiction, recovery, war, family violence, pets etc. In theory, there is continuing/consistency and fluidity in "who and what I am," although today the practice was a lot harder than I expected. Telling little anecdotes are one thing, what to do when students give me and their classmates a more deep window into their lives - quite another?

B1 waits patiently for dessert

Hold and Fold!

B2 Turns 3! (a couple weeks ago)

Mother Guilt... If only

I had evaluated the evidence - the specimens included two male children, one man and one woman. Health status? 30 something man who is in the best shape of his life, the picture of health. Check. The oldest child, nose runny? No. Cough? No. Check. Me, well, haven't been at 'optimal' lately (ever?), but I waited until the cold and sore throat over three weeks ago that had kept me away had passed. Check, I had recovered. The little one, his cold started right after mine weeks ago. I had assessed the status of his health as better. Unfortunately, mother quilt kicks in when we are at friends' visiting their brand new, beautiful, one month old daughter and B2 starts coughing!! Not related, but I have to pass off the little sweetie to her mother because I get something in my throat that takes me into a coughing episode. Check? I had even drenched everyone's hands in sanitizer before entering baby zone.

This experience - or the questioning of it - makes me think back to a time when my children were exposed to stomach flu from another family and how horrible I felt. If only they had said something? If only I had been more vigilant? If only... If only... a refrain for new mothers. With a 5 year old and a 3 year old I wonder if I have eked out of that category or not!

To all those new mothers, we have been there.

Getting Along (Again)

Here is the mothering strategy list I mentioned in a previous post:

Be Polite
Be Respectful
Be Thoughtful
Be Friendly
Be Cooperative
Be Generous
Be Kind
Be Honest
Be Helpful
Be Cheerful

Of course, our modeling of politeness, respectfulness and thoughtfulness; friendly, cooperative, generous and kind actions, routine honesty and helpfulness should be enough?! If all that fails at least we are always, ALWAYS cheerful, right?

In all seriousness, I think as adults we continually struggle with the 'golden rule' of treating others how we wish to be treated. Hopefully I can instill in my boys the quest to live up to these (seemingly easy) prescriptions!

"I go away for a week and I get this reception... you get it everyday!"

DOAD is finally back! The title line is his!! The boys are really excited, "Watch this trick, Ok Dad?" It is so great to have my partner in parenting back where he belongs. While I missed him incredibly and am so happy to have someone else to share the responsibilities and day to day of raising two little boys with, I feel really good about being able to do it on my own. I really thoroughly enjoyed being the sole one the boys counted on for everything this past week. Don't get me wrong... there were times it drove me crazy.

Went running with a friend of mine today and shared some thoughts and frustrations about the challenges of encouraging them while at the same time respecting their limits (i.e. the things that get me 'crazy'). More on this soon...

Getting Along

Do you ever wonder, why can't my kids just get along?! Me neither! Of course I do, hence the reason for this post. I think (I hope) I have found a new strategy that will if not change behaviour at least keep me more sane, as I navigate the role of advisor, referee, confidant between two male siblings (ages 5 and 3). I bought a chart with 10 key getting along "dos." My new strategy? Instead of "boys, stop X, or do Y," I plan to ask a question, "Is that (said behaviour in question) polite, or cheerful, or respectful or whatever the particular getting along maxim that appears to be breeched. Then, as the retorical 'no' goes stated or not. I will encourage them to ask themselves, "How could I be ... ?" I posted this chart in my kitchen (at least until DOAD gets home tomorrow!)

Be the Change

I have often wondered lately why despite being an honours student, a perfectionist and compassionate and conscientious child and young adult I never got heavily involved in politics, social justice organizations or more volunteer work when I was younger. Although I have always wanted to make a difference in the world, why did I not become an activist earlier in my life? (e.g. why did I not start campaigns in high school, or why did I not follow the earlier dreams I had in elementary school to change the world?). I guess in some ways I did. I got a PhD in Sociology. I teach students daily about social problems and encourage them to tackle these issues not from a distanced, academic perspective, but from a personal, passionate position. Yet, not until recently have I realized the desire I have to impact more than my own life. The intense passion in me to inspire not only my own children but to use my life - in all of its facets - to be the change I wish to see in the world. Ghandi's famous phrase resonates so much more to be now, as a mother. Even more still as a mother who has lost. Ever more as a mother who longs for more children.

The most amazing opportunities in life come out of the most unplanned experiences. As I follow my heart rather than my head (hard to do for an academic) my path has become so much more hopeful, so much more rewarding and the challenges therein much less daunting.

All children matter.
social justice.

B2 Turns 3!

My little boy is turning 3 this week! How cute he is. He told me this week, "Mamma, you are the best mommy I ever had!"

From the mouths of babes...

Did you know that the red pumpkins are called "red octobers?"

Me neither. Every have your elementary school aged son or daughter tell you facts like this one and then ask: "Did you know that, Mom?" What do you say? No - sorry, honey I am not a pumpkinologist. Yes, of course, I do! Or, do you respond like me, "That's is pretty interesting, isn't it? Hoping he will not push it further and I will not have to admit I, in fact, do not know this. I also hope to avoid the question: "How come you didn't tell me that before?" It is amazing how these little minds absorb so much. It is definitely something to be celebrated! So, why do I keep repeating myself again and again with his almost 3 year old little brother - "Stop... Don't!... You have to listen when Mama is speaking to you"?

Am I a blogger?

If blogging is something one does, then (lately) no, I am not a blogger. If, however, a blogger is something one is (or perhaps hopes to be), then, yes - My Mommy Is is a blogger, My Mommy Is is not simply a blog.

Now that is out of the way, the post.

October 14, 2008 - Election Day (in Canada, that is). I plan to exercise my democratic right. How could I not, knowing that my fore-mothers fought a long and hard battle for the franchise?! Yet, what difference does my vote make? I live in a riding comprised of voters staunchly politically minded in the opposite direction as my position. A strategic vote might make the difference. A vote from my conscious - the same vote? or one cast for another candidate?

No, these considerations are not simply about my personal vote, or its impact on the vote count in my own community or country for that matter. It is about a way of being, acting, and thinking in the world that I hope to emulate for my children. I am not talking about explaining to my 5 year old the significance of elections in a democracy (though I am sure he would understand much of this conservation).

I am simply referring to the (dis)connect between what we say and what we do. Am I willing to do what I say, no matter what the consequence?

Perhaps in the United States there is even more partisanship with only two long standing parties. A greater case in point of the issue I attempt to discern here. Mothers votes count, for something beyond the election. I wonder, though, if our political voice (be it soft or loud) tells our children not simply about capital "P" politics, but much about our politics of self- who and what we stand for and when and where we are willing to stand up and be heard.

To blog or not to blog, that is NOT the question. The question remains, why so often does what we do fail to even come close to what we think (or to who we think we are)?

Does my blogging practice (im-practice) tell me something about more than my blogging? Until tonight when I vote (perhaps a clue).

In less than one week...

B1 starts Kindergarten on Tuesday, September 3rd! In some ways I can hardly believe it, and in others it seems a long time coming. Wow! How wonderful it is that he is ready to approach this new opportunity with such eager excitement. Despite his interest, enthusiasm, and genuine thrill to be going to school, his Mommy has some trepidation. Yes, of course, I am sure this is not unique. The concern I have is less about "my little boy growing up" and more about him being in the world (the smaller world of the classroom) without me. Indeed, he has been in different childcare arrangements where he has existed for hours on end without me, yet there seems to be something quantitatively and qualitatively different about starting Kindergarten.

I have felt more pressure over the last several weeks, days, hours, minutes (you get the picture?) about sufficiently equipping him with the skills - physical, social, emotional, psychological - necessary to find his way among the other children, new experiences, teacher, etc. he will encounter. Did we do enough reading? Was I too hard on him when he cried instead of using his words? Not enough? Did we have enough "summer adventures"? Did we do too much?

I know from my own life that most of my most significant growing periods were those that started in sadness, upset, disappointment or otherwise "crappy circumstances." Yet, I am somewhat fearful for my son to learn his own life lessons in a similar matter.

The other side of my trepidation is pure elation - a sense of wonder and excitement of my own that he has reached this special milestone. The question becomes, am I equipped to stay on the latter side (at least for Tuesday!)?

... I think so
... I hope so

But I still love your cookies

I make a breakfast that usually thrills most - blueberry french toast. This morning B1 exclaims, "I don't like this anymore. My tastes have changed." Just yesterday, he picked at his grilled cheese and said, "I really don't like 'gorilla cheese.' What?! THIS from my child who eats everything, has never turned his nose up at anything? When I questioned this recent turn of food preferences, he simply stated, "But I still love your cookies!" Then, he added, "and orange juice." I replied, "But I don't make the orange juice." "Hhmm. What's next?," I wonder out loud. He answers, "I don't like chicken anymore either."

What gives?

Is it Okay when kids run inside?

Department stores, grocery stores, the mall, etc. I keep hearing myself saying, "please boys, we are not in a park. Stop Running Around!" How long do I need to keep this up? Perhaps my 2.5 year old just can't walk - he rushes, runs, skips and dances his way around. Who, as his mother, am I to tell him otherwise? It is not like they are climbing up on the shelves or deliberately running into people. Yet, that part of me that thinks this is not the place for this, I should be saying something... keeps pulling me to natter this and natter that about why "we don't run in stores." The main culprit here is not some out of control child. He is the same child who in response to me saying, "I am so proud of you and how well you are doing with your potty training," sweetly states: "Thank you, Mama, that makes me so happy."

As I write this we are now at home and the kids are playing in the living room. Again, my little one goes behind the cushions of our couch and I am ready to repeat: "Please get out of there. We don't go on there like that. Our house is not 'blah, blah, blah...' and he says, "I am just getting the car from behind there!"

Ah, the joys of parenting! When to just leave well enough alone?! any ideas?

The Kid Right Now

I recently read an article in Canadian Today's Parent (see todaysparent.com for July 2008 issue), How to raise a great kid what every child needs by John Hoffman. It did not present a formula for raising a great kid. Rather, it inspired me to reconsider the way I think about raising the great kids I already have. Specifically, Hoffman suggested that we think of our children as two entities - one a work-in-progress (with lots to learn), the other the child s/he is supposed to be right now now and thereby worthy of our honour and respect. I really like this because it frees us up from being so concerned and consumed with the future person we are trying to create and acknowledges that our children are people with their own thoughts, feelings, problems, ideas, passions, strengths and weaknesses ALREADY. With a 5 year old about to start kindergarten and a 2.5 year old on the brink of toilet training and pre-school I am turning a new proverbial leaf; that is, focusing more on the amazing little creatures that they each are right now, and letting the work-in-progress parts (from tears instead of words to running around stores like they were at the park!) work themselves out.

Raising kids is a process - indeed!

Why?

Because.... (let me think for a minute - translation: wrack my brain, search the web or look it up in a book). My 5 year old and his 2.5 little bro are constantly asking questions. In response to what I hope is detailed and age appropriate explanation, it seems they are quick to exclaim - why?

B1 loves to play his Leapster (Leap Frog learning system). Just yesterday he told me, "My Leapster knows everything about animals because it is the Animal Genius!"

It is amazing to see how knowledgeable they are becoming.

When There is Nothing I "Have" to Do

What a remarkable feeling to have a day to myself. I putter with this and that. To perhaps accomplish things, but perhaps not. A Thursday, which has always been my favourite day. My children are taken care of, DOD is working - even the dog is content to sleep the day away. No one "needs" me (not until about 4:00 pm, that is!). There are a few things I would like to get done - one of which I completed already. But, what freedom in not having to be somewhere at a certain time, have something done by a certain time or just need to be available to others. a) Refresh. b) Breathe. c) Relax. d) Have Fun.

e) All of the above

stay sleeping

Can someone offer some assistance? Please, really, I need your help. He will NOT stay in his room. Today's so called "nap" really took the proverbial cake. He managed to dissemble his book shelving unit. That's right ... the little sweetie took apart the slats and left them (and the contents of his bedroom) in his wake as he wandered into his brother's room. There his rampage included toppling over a light from the bedside table. So, again I beg you tell me what to do to keep said child in his bed. OK. I will take merely staying in his room. After all, if it means a good night sleep for me, DOD and my child perhaps I'd be willing to purchase another IKEA special bookcase!

Here is my list of potential remedies please add to it:

1) Stay with him until he falls asleep (this may or may not involve some form of restraint)
2) Leave it alone... who cares if he comes out of bed 12 times between 8:30 and 11:00 pm
3) Bribe him
4) Remove all toys, stuffies etc. from room and surrounding areas
5) Magic?
6) Prayer
7) Ultimatum ("either you go to bed now or you go to bed later" - hmm, not so much!)
8) Hire a sleep expert (cost?)
9) Wait it out... time seems to resolve such issues (does it?)
10) Somehow getting this willful, creative soul to think sleeping is in his interests....

Sunshine Today

A close friend of mine lost a baby on June 22nd 2005. Today would have been K's third birthday. As I get ready to plan and celebrate my eldest son's 5th birthday I can't help but think of milestones, those which represent achievements and challenges - ones to mark events both positive and negative that have already marked our lives, our hearts, and our souls.

I look to the sunshine and see no remnants of the rain
No reminder of the pain?
I feel the hope and joy
that finally occupies my heart again

to all the mothers who have lost...

Inspired

I meet some great professional moms from across North America this past week. Had an opportunity to share with them some of my story as a Mom and as an academic. It was such a wonderful experience. Thank you to each one of you who allowed me some window into your personal and professional life.

Of so many thoughts, feelings and concerns raised for me at my conference was the significance of sharing of mother's stories. I encourage anyone interested to check out the soon to be released The Maternal Is Political: Women Writers at the Intersection of Motherhood and Social Change edited by Shari MacDonald Strong.

I enjoyed hearing the stories of some of the women featured in the above collection. I hope more of my story will be revealed as I post more often than I have lately! I appreciate the comments posted and would love to have more coming...

Raising Responsible, Resourceful, Respectful, Resilient... and Compassionate Children

This weekend I made several learning/life lesson charts - don't know if they are mainly for me or the kids yet! One was my own adaptation to Robert Fulghum's classic "All I Needed To Know I Learned in Kindergarten." Another was based on (again my own spin) Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It (the original 80s edition). I guess, on the one hand, it suggests the task of raising responsible, resourceful, respectful, resilient and compassionate kids is not that difficult. On the other hand, though, it leads us to question the extent of our own responsibility, resourcefulness, respectfulness, resiliency and compassion - doesn't it? After all we can plan to "teach" our children much, but the biggest influence we have is what we model - that is, how we think, act and be in the world.
I would hope overall DOAD and I walk the walk of our talk, but on a day-to-day basis I am sure we fall short. How can we expect of our children [growing minds, bodies, contradictory feeling 'little beings'] what we too often fail to hold ourselves accountable for? I have decided not to send myself crazy with the double-sided chart of 30 parenting gems, but rather to use this exercise as a beginning. Since my almost 5 year old loves numbers, letters, and the yet to be named word for our 'activities' (last year we called whatever we did during the summer as 'summer adventures') I am going to break this quest/task up into several little daily challenges. I will ask him to choose a number or a letter (the other chart contains mostly sentences to live by and/or parent as) and that will be the daily challenge. For example, say B1 chooses "celebrates the successes of self and others." Here we may head to the park for several relay games or other sorts of physical activities where each one will likely come out ahead. The emphasis will be on 'celebrating success.'
Of course, all this time to enjoy these activities is mine only because I am fortunate to have several weeks of holidays from work. I challenge myself to actually be 'on holiday' and really celebrate my children this summer. I had these same "holidays" last year but only took about a week (but that's a story for another time!)

DOAD

Haven't said much about DOAD lately. I want to thank him for seeing through to my core in this time of struggle - for assisting me, supporting me and giving me utter kindness and compassion.

Thank you - your two boys have a remarkably Dad (hence - Dad of All Dads!)

What do you need from me?

As I laid down this evening next to B1 I looked at that sweet, young face and thought WOW you are mine! What a responsibility I have for and to this growing being. I asked, "What do you need from Mommy?" Without a beat, he replied: "Love, [short pause] care." He looked around and then up at me, "There is one more thing." "Is it support?" I asked. Ignoring his mother [as only kids can], "to teach me things, he explained proudly. "Do I do these things for you?" (I had to ask?!) "Mommy, you sure do!" Wow! I must be doing something right.

I had an occasion today to share the story (see previous posts) about the woman and her mentor with a student who confided in me a difficult, unexpected situation she has found herself in recently. It was really great being able to pass on something that helped me so much in my own struggle to another woman (and given she is 14 years my junior, I felt proud to be like the mentor in the story).

Feeling like Someone Else

I seem to have these moments where there is a glimmer of my former self. It goes away, quickly. Then, I feel like I am being hit by a truck - I am reminded of what happened, of what is happening. I move on. I seem to go through some routine motions. I am back at work. I am laughing with friends. I am enjoying my two beautiful sons. Yet, all the while I am thinking about, or feeling this missing part. It haunts me. DOD is so understanding, but at the same time how much can I expect. The process of grief seems so different for each of us. I can't even take my maternity clothes out of my closet.

It is so odd I feel far removed, yet more inside myself than ever before. I feel connected with some power outside myself, yet isolated at once. Is this the "new normal" I keep hearing about? Perhaps this intermediary zone is where I am now, not where I was before but not quite where I am going to end up.

Indeed, (see previous post) I am not at the end.

Angel Baby

I felt it was finally time (one week passed my D and C) to discuss what happened with our four and a half year old. We sat him down and asked him if he had realized that Mommy has been sad lately. He said, "yeah." Well, I said "the baby that we were planning on having will not be coming to live with us and be a part of our family." "Instead, we are having an angel baby. This one will be a part of our hearts, our guardian angel watching over us in heaven." He said, "I don't want us to have another angel baby, Mommy." Soon thereafter he said "now can I watch the video?" Kids!? At bedtime, though, with tears he asked, "Why did we get an angel baby?"

Earlier today I had a wonderful visit with a few girlfriends that lifted my spirits. I want to pass along a short story one close friend shared with me (she heard it just today on the radio) - though I have taken some literary license.

There was a young woman talking to her mentor.

Her mentor told her that “in the end it will be okay”.

“But what if it isn’t okay” asked the young woman.

“Then you have not arrived at the end” responded her mentor.

Yes, it is going to be okay.

The Boy That Always Makes Me Smile

My hb took my boys grocery shopping and I stayed back, since I am supposed to be recovering from surgery. I got a call from our cell phone and it was B1, my darling four year old at the other end. He said, "Mommy, I really love you!" He went on, "I want to talk to you about something... I love you more than the funnest game!" What a sweetheart! There is joy amidst sadness.

Days after The Day

How am I? Not an easy question to answer. I have now moved beyond disbelief that something was wrong with my little baby and am now anticipating my D and C on Friday. Can't ever know what was wrong, but obviously something was that s/he didn't/couldn't survive. Physically it is difficult because my body is continuing to respond as if the pregnancy is, yet for me my body feels like a wasteland. I hope I feel differently after the surgery.

I love this baby, even though s/he didn't get a chance to be born. I believe there is another one sometime coming. I just can't know when. I have hope.

The Day That Changed Everything

If you could "crack that code" a few posts back I mentioned something about not being ready to share an important piece of information. I wish this was the post to pass on some delightful news. Unfortunately, it becomes the plea for support, advice and solace because I discovered today at my early dates ultrasound that my 11 week pregnancy has miscarried!

I am devastated and hope other mothers will share with me their stories and how they have handled dealing with the loss of a baby. My body, though, still thinks I am pregnant and although I am told the fetus lost its heart beat at 7 weeks, here I am "otherwise assumed pregnant." Had I not gone today nothing would have seemed wrong. So what now? I am told to wait one week to 10 days and hopefully my body will expel everything naturally. I had a pregnancy test only Tuesday which indicated a high level of hormone, so it all seems so unreal! Another option I have is drugs to induce the process or ultimately a D and C. This baby was/is so loved. My four year old has been so patient waiting until I gave him the go ahead to share "our little secret."

I have two beautiful boys, whom I love more than life itself. How can I still be the Mom I should be for them without being consumed with sadness, guilt, confusion and despair?

Please share your story...

All Children Matter

I have been thinking a lot lately about what social justice means and considering what social injustices stand in the way of children living healthy, safe, fulfilling, hopeful and meaningful lives. I believe that ALL CHILDREN MATTER. In theory, I suspect few would disagree with me. In practice, though, I see far too many examples of some children not mattering (especially children from some racialized groups, children living in poverty, whose parents are in prison, whose parents don't have housing, who act out, etc.). I believe it was Barbara Coloroso who said "Kids are Worth It" simply because they are.

Can (will?) governments, corporations, individuals and groups with so much power and privilege to really make a significant and meaningful impact take a stand? Who is willing to mobilize to change discrimination, exploitation and dispossession of the next generation? Respect kids because they all. More to come...

So, doing this in my teens would have made it so much cooler... and easier?! (I think not!)

I guess there just isn't enough to say about Britney, that Jamie Lynn Spears has become the new poster girl for teen pregnancy? Maclean's Magazine has done a feature story on "teen pregnancy."
Recent popular discourse on young mothers has been about just that - girls having babies. Barely a mention is given to the (presumably) adolescent boys impregnated them! The double standard of sexual behaviour continues. I don't believe that the "rise" of privileged young moms is sufficient cause for "celebration" that being a teen mom no longer comes with the stigma it once did, nor that social disapproval for "out-of-wedlock" mothers has done a 180. There is something going on, though.
I agree with Andrea O'Reilly (featured in the articles linked) that we are witnessing more recognition of 'other' forms of mothering (outside of the idealized, mystique of the traditional, heterosexual, white, middle-class, 20 something mother sacrificing all for her children). However, I am cautious about interpreting new(er) categories like 'lesbian mom,' 'young mom,' and 'older mom,' as evidence that all motherhood identities are equally acceptable in North American society. All mothers (and all women) are judged according to motherhood ideologies (some old and tired, others perhaps more en vogue) - culturally prescribed ways of being, acting and performing motherhood. If a young mom has access to resources - not limited to financial support, stability and social networks - she is positioned to deal physically, psychologically and emotionally with the ups and downs of new motherhood. Likewise, such a mom will be better able to withstand, negotiate and resist the disapproving eyes, snide remarks and is otherwise deemed deviant, that is, a "bad mom!"

Check out the story and let me know what you think...

http://www.macleans.ca/culture/lifestyle/article.jsp?content=20080117_99497_99497


or,

http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_18790.aspx
for a shorter version.

366 Days until my next birthday!

How do we account for what we've done, what we hope to do and where we are at? These are rhetorical in the sense that I won't address them directly here, but I hope to be able to look back a year from now and have come to better terms with them. Fair enough?

I have recently taken up the practice of yoga. I am not sure if that makes me a yogi-wannabe, yoga enthusiast or simply one who does yoga! Whatever the case, I am learning more about myself as I learn to pose, breathe and attempt to "get zen." I know that taking time away from my kids, from my work, will only benefit both.

To celebrate the big 30 something, I was treated to a special breakfast with my family. I let it slip to my grad seminar that it was my birthday ... the next thing I knew several 20 somethings were singing "Happy Birthday" to me! Nice start to the day! Three classes later I was on my way to meet my boys for a dinner out. Sitting at home typing I wonder if I had to comment each time B1 turned around at the table of ladies behind us or whether I should have shared my frozen margarita with B2. Perhaps I could have employed more of my yoga inspired outlook instead of during the car ride home asking my children to each rate how they behaved at the restaurant! B1 did not hesitate with a score of 10. At least we laughed rather than critiqued his assessment (after all he is 4 and a half). Thanks my lovies for a wonderful birthday!

Yoga means union - connecting mind, body and spirit. I invite mothers, academics and mommy academics to join me in thinking through the challenges of these complex, multifaceted identities.

Linked?! and Fired Up!

I am way too excited that gradmommy linked my blog site under her fantastic page! As I am new to the blogging world I take this link as a sign that I should continue to blog and AS A SIGN THAT I SHOULD CONTINUE TO BLOG!! (PRESSURE!) Actually, recent events (that I am not yet ready to post about) have made me realize just how important a sense of community is for mothers and for academics - never mind for mommy academics! We have so many of the same experiences, but we experience them differently. We have our own way of viewing the worlds we inhabit with our children and those we attempt to forge outside them. I hope in some small way my ramblings (sometimes very personal, sometimes very academic - always a little of both) will be read, heard and acted upon!

Here's to the power of women and our use of this technology to bring about positive changes in our lives and the lives of our children.

Back in the Classroom

Over my holiday break I started to teach B1 how to read. He is incredibly smart, imaginative and more than capable of beginning this process. He is eager and willing, especially as this gives him special time with Mommy and WITHOUT B2. So, how can said Mommy "relax" about the process when the little reader has a tendency to look everywhere but to the page and the word I am pointing to? FOCUS, kid! [I think] I hear myself say, "Many children go to Kindergarten before they are able to read, so if you are not interested in learning that's just fine." Then, I back peddle as long "As long as you are having fun, Sweetie. Learning is hard work." This week I've been back in the [postsecondary] classroom, and I miss lying in his bed next to him, hearing his cute little voice repeat the phrases I read. Can a Mom really be two places at once? Better yet, how can I just simply enjoy being with my son, enjoying books without being the Professor?